Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
Hello dear reader. ‘Tis Halloween season and I know for a fact that some of you are scared of horror movies. Some of you scream, cower, hide under the blankets and clutch your friend’s arm during scary scenes.
Not me, though. I couldn’t care less about horror movies. They’re so boring. Haha.
But I know some of you may not like it that your friends call you Mr. Poopy-Pants because one time — one time! — you pooped your pants during a horror movie. So, I have compiled a list of things I have observed OTHER people doing to not seem afraid of horror movies.
1) Instead of screaming, try roaring
It’s hard to not scream, I get that. Sometimes you’re watching a movie like, I don’t know, “Hereditary,” and there’s the scene when the grandma is sawing off her head on the ceiling and the scream just comes out. Totally uncontrollable and has never happened to me.
Well, when this happens, turn that scream into a roar. Then, when your friends say you screamed like an infant child during the movie, you can say “no I didn’t. What happened was that I instinctively roared to try to frighten away the evil grandma. I’m just really protective.”
Then your friends will think you’re really courageous and have great martial instincts, and if they try to say otherwise you just keep roaring.
“I don’t think that’s what —”
“ROOOAAARRR.”
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2) Turn your flinches into punches
Let’s say you’re watching “Sinister,” and you’re in one of the sequences when Ethan Hawke is exploring his spooky house at night and the camera shows a little figure running across the hallway behind him. So you flinch, because it’s unnerving, and then your friend says, “Somebody’s scared.” Now everybody is watching you out of the corner of their eye, waiting for you to flinch again and you’re getting flustered because you know you’re going to flinch again and you have been telling everybody that you’re not scared of horror movies and now they’re going to see you’re a fraud.
What do you do?
Not care, because it’s OK to be afraid of horror movies? Yeah right. NOT.
Next time you flinch, you punch your friend in the face. Then, when they get upset, you say, “Sorry, the doctors say I’m missing the ‘flight’ part of my ‘flight or fight’ reflex.”
This move kills two birds with one stone. Now, instead of looking a cowering baby, you look strong and capable. And now none of your friends will watch a horror movie with you again.
3) Become the horror movie
Let’s say that options 1 and 2 aren’t working. You’ve been roaring so much that your voice is cracking, and your friends all wear hockey helmets when you watch a horror movies with them. That leaves you with one final option — become the horror movie.
While they are starting the movie, sneak outside and cut the power to the house. Tell your niece who’s 6 years old to run through the house, giggling. While she does that, slash your friends tires. Play the eerie recording of yourself whispering on your houses hidden speakers. Give your niece the Skittles you promised her and wait for her aunt to pick her up. By now your friends should be nice and scared.
You know what to do. Put on the goalie mask. Slowly open the front door and turn on the smoke machine. I guarantee that all you friends will have screamed by now. Take off the mask. You win. Now nobody will ever, ever mention watching a horror movie with you again.
