Dear Anthony,

I live in a small apartment with just one other guy. He’s a pretty decent guy, and we get along well enough. He’s usually pretty clean, I guess, but there are two things that really bother me. One, he never does his dishes. I try to stand firm and not do them, but eventually we run out of shit and I have to do them so I have stuff to cook with and eat on. Two, he leaves his dirty socks everywhere. They’re in the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom. Basically everywhere but his bedroom. I’m fairly nervous to talk to him about it because he can be somewhat high tension sometimes, and I don’t want to piss him off and make it awkward for the rest of the year. Besides the obvious answer of simply talking to the guy, any suggestions that will get the point across?

Sincerely,

Death, Taxes, Dishes and Socks

Dear DTDS,

Seriously, what the hell is the deal with everyone's roommate sucking ass? Let's look at the facts here first: small apartment, pretty decent guy, pretty clean, no dishes, socks everywhere, "high-tension" roommate. Pretty decent? Pretty clean? You're lying to me, DTDS. You wouldn't have written me if he was pretty decent and pretty clean. Pretty clean people don't leave socks and dishes lying about, and if they did and were pretty decent, you'd be able to talk to them without fear of retribution. It sounds to me like your roommate is a slob and an asshole. The first step in this process is you have to come to terms with this. If you can't be honest about how much of a jerk your roommate is, you aren't going to get very far in talking with him. You will say, "Hey man, can I talk to you?" And before you've even gotten to the point, he will have you talking about something else because you think he's "pretty decent." You need to be in a mentality where you won't take "no" for an answer. We're talking like you-haven't-had-sex-in-five-years-and-you've-just-asked-a-fat-chick-to-have-sex-with-you kind of won't take no for an answer. I mean, if you get a "no," you are going to be so pissed off and devastated about this problem that you aren't going to be able to sleep.

So, what should you do, then? That's the real question. The dishes problem is easy. You just can't give up next time. Let him use up all the dishes. Let them get stacked up three feet high on the sink. Go out to eat a few times next week, or go to a friend's house to eat. Do anything you can to get out of the house so it won't be a problem for you to ignore them. If it goes on for a month, and he hasn't washed the dishes and you're almost broke, you're out of luck. But I bet he will crack before you do if you have a plan.

The socks, though, that's even more disgusting. Granted, it is his space too, but what if your parents come over or you bring a girl back or something? You don't want socks all over the place, right? You need to mention it in passing someday that you really don't like all the socks lying around, and then if it doesn't improve, just start throwing them away. If he asks where his socks went, just tell him you thought he didn't need them since they were sitting next to the TV and had holes in them.

However, you could take some more drastic measures. Something more — how shall I put it? –Anthony-esque. I see an easy combo solution I didn't mention above. It involves placing the socks in a tub with the dishes and leaving them all for him to clean at some later date. I expect this "high tension" will be revealed during this attempt, so, as usual, you need to be prepared to fight some douchebag.

Listen people: Always be ready to fight some douchebag. At all times. Especially if you live with one.

But I digress. Another option is placing his dirty dishes and socks in a place where he will be forced to do something with them. On top of his computer? On his bed? Throw the bathroom socks in the toilet? I don't care how you do it, but any way you choose makes for a great plan.

I don't really know what else to tell you, DTDS. It's hard to break someone of a bad habit without breaking their face; however, breaking his face might be just what you need to do. I suggest a baseball bat.

Don't forget to stir the pot,

Anthony

A follow-up from last week's letter: "…regard Anthony as anything less than an extremely vulgar shock-comedy parrot. (and with worse fashion sense, might I add.)"

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous (if that is your real name),

Has anyone ever seen a parrot wearing clothes? No? Neither have I. How the fuck can I have a fashion sense worse than a parrot? I'm glad to see commentary on my article — that way, I know people are reading — but seriously, can we limit the commentary to people who can make comprehensible sentences, do not have their heads completely up their asses and aren't douchebags? That's right people, you can't comment on my articles if you are a douchebag. If I have to make a douchebag quiz on the website to prevent douchebags commenting, I will. Damn it, I hate douchebags. They are gross and they leave a bad taste in your mouth. If there is one thing in this world I am against, it is a bad taste in my mouth. Don't be douchebags, people. Don't.

To wrap up, Anonymous, you are a miserable coward.

Sincerely,

Anthony

"In the end, Mr. Heddlestein[sic], you give me something to look forward to each week. You are a light in the darkness, a diamond in the rough."

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Aside from spelling my name wrong, you are fantastic. If you were a hot chick, I would invite you over to my place for a bottle of champagne and a romantic, candlelit dinner. (And sex. Lots of dirty, dirty sex.) Seriously, my e-mail is [email protected], and you are more than welcome to give me an e-mail and come over any time to collect on my invitation. If you are a dude, I will buy you a beer and give you a high five or something manly like that, but it would be much cooler if you were a hot chick.

Much love,

Anthony