I don't go "outside" a lot. I'm asthmatic, near-sighted, out of shape, lazy and so pale that my internal organs tend to overheat in direct sunlight. I even developed an allergy to local strains of grass last year. God is clearly against any combination of fresh air and myself. That's why on my rare trips to the outdoors, I like to suck up a whole lot of nature all at once so I don't have to do it again for a few months. The best place to do that is the Henry Vilas Zoo because they've got nature from all over the world and you've only got to walk a couple hundred yards to experience all of it.

I don't usually see a lot of people there. Can it be that some students don't even know Madison has a zoo so close to campus? Maybe they're all afraid of catching avian flu from the flamingos? Well, let me promise you right now that the bird flu is as ridiculous as the swine flu epidemic of '76! And let me also tell you that if I am wrong, you will be too busy dying to contradict me, thanks to the severe unpreparedness of our nation's health-care system.

So get out to the zoo and have some fun! It'll be something you can enjoy reminiscing about later while your body is being consumed by what pathologists have playfully termed a "cytokine storm."

Here's a quick rundown on a few exciting attractions:

Tapirs:

In the years since I began my studies at Madison, the tapirs have been moved. They used to be in a simple fenced-in enclosure. These days they're in a large open area surrounded by a moat. Since tapirs are basically a cross between an anteater and a pig (without a pig's energy and ambition), there doesn't seem to be a reason for such serious security measures.

Packs of enraged, fence-smashing tapirs escaping their cage and terrorizing citizens is not the concern. It's something much scarier, and I will quote from the sign that I swear to you was posted in front of the old, un-moated tapir habitat: "CAUTION: TAPIRS SPRAY URINE EXPLOSIVELY 20 FEET BACKWARDS."

I know what you're thinking: that's amazing and I wish I could do that. But what you should be thinking is: this moat is not 20 feet wide.

Penguins:

Penguins are called "nature's clowns" because, like clowns, they can't fly, and I have an intense irrational fear of them. Normally I would give the penguins a wide berth and avoid eye contact, but I was with my friend Mary, who finds them adorable.

"They're so cute! They look like little grooms!" she said.

"No way. They look like the dudes from 'Reservoir Dogs.' In my dreams, auks with the eyes of born killers circle around my restrained form and threaten to give me a Van Gogh haircut."

"That's stupid. They're not tall enough to reach your ears."

"Ha ha," I said to make it seem like I was joking and am actually a big strong man incapable of dreading waterfowl. What she didn't know was that the penguins of my nightmares have learned how to use stepladders.

Conservation carousel:

This brand-new endangered-animal-themed merry-go-round is part of the Zoo Century project, which will raise $27 million in 10 years to renovate the zoo. The first phase of redevelopment includes a new children's zoo and an "Arctic Passage" exhibit with large natural habitats for polar bears, arctic seals and reindeer, and you can help out by paying $1 to ride your favorite vanishing species.

The official zoo website says the carousel will "transform how our visitors understand the complex challenges of conserving endangered species," which is true! There is no other context in which you can rescue an endangered species by sitting on it. In fact, if you try it with, say, a jaguar, you will encounter a very complex challenge indeed.

But while it costs a buck to ride a spectacled bear, it's free to look at one. When the Vilas family donated the land for the zoo back in 1904, they insisted that admission always be free, and it still is today. So check it out. You've got nothing to lose and a whole lot of tapir urine to gain.

Ben Freund is glad to have served the students of Madison by writing lame jokes for them during the past couple of months. You can thank him with a letter to [email protected], or you can pay it forward by teaching one of the orangutans to flip people off.