Dear Clare,

Dear ALITO,

I am so sick of the "nice guys finish last" theory so many college males bemoan as they wallow in self-deprecation. It seems that many lads eventually bereave the loss of happiness from their "playa" days when their libido was the sole determinant of joy. Now that physical gratification alone no longer sufficiently fills their emotive needs, these strapping chaps blame their lady friends for not wanting to jump into a serious relationship. As I progressed through the ranks of my college career, I discovered that many young men eventually tire of random hook-ups and begin to pursue more substantive relationships, which many girls have been looking for since they were freshman cadets. This is one reason I think the senior guy/sophomore girl relationship works: the boys are finally ready to settle down a bit, and the girls have not lost all faith in college boys and completely given up, like many senior girls eventually do. Present company excluded, of course. You and I, dear reader, are always the exceptions to my theories.

Because many college gentlemen are not interested in having a girl who is only a friend, ALITO, you are an anomaly in your quest for romance. Your lady friends initially thought your motivation for getting to know them was either a) you wanted to hook up or b) you didn't want to hook up but thought they were cool. When you continue to be friendly while not hooking up, option a) is taken off the list. They are then left to assume that b) you are not attracted to them and just want to be friends. Girls will definitely want to keep you around on a pal-only basis because having close friendships with the opposite sex is rare and difficult in college. For all my dissenters on that last point, please think back to last semester's letter from "a girl who doesn't dig Joe." In it, I articulated my theory about close platonic friendships, or the falsity of such. This "girl" was a lovely lass whose best friend, Joe, was in love with her. I recently received word that she and Joe are now in a serious romantic relationship and are moving-in together next year! I see this as further support for my theory and as motivation for you, ALITO, to make it work with one of these fabulous female friends.

Because of the male buddy scarcity, these girls are going to want to keep you around. You cannot fault them for this, and must accept that the burden to take that next step is yours alone. You must also accept that you may not be friends with these girls after an attempted romance if they aren't interested, because they won't want to lead you on and will therefore slowly weed out contact. You mentioned that you have at least 20 girlfriends you would like to hit on, so I am guessing you are not worried about losing a couple of them.

Because you have already established a friendship, it is impossible to simply "take out" one of these girls and see how it goes. The purpose of going on dates is to get to know the person. If you already know the girl, you have to either try for a relationship or keep up the friendship. Asking a good friend to a nice dinner will not seem like a date (you're her FRIEND) unless you explicitly tell her. I promise she will not just get the hint. You have to use the word "date."

Here are some tips for you, ALITO, to help with your present situation:

1. Pick one of the 20 girls. I am guessing that some of these 20 girls know each other. It would therefore be unwise to profess love to a small handful of them in hopes one will work out. Your little scheme will seem sneaky and rude and you could end up losing all 20 girls as friends or as a potential girlfriend.

2. TELL THE TRUTH! It's ridiculous how much people don't do this in romantic situations. Of course being honest is not always easy (or appropriate), but in this situation it is best to sit down with the lady and say, "I like like you." This is obviously a juvenile way to articulate your feelings, but it's effective and right to the point. Most people were more honest about this stuff on the sixth grade playground than they are now, so maybe we should revert back to our adolescent courtship rituals.

3. Don't freak her out. Many ladies interpret "crush" and "date" as "love" and "proposal." Let this pretty gal know that you are interested and would like to TRY to move beyond friendship, but that you are not so emotionally invested in her charms to be crushed if rejected.

4. Stop treating her like a friend. Don't call her, "dude," don't talk to her about others girls and don't whine about girls not being interested in you. Treat her differently than you do all the other girls you are friends with and make sure she notices that difference. Friendly people often have difficulty making their romantic interest known because they flirt with everyone and everything that moves: boys, girls, professors, baristas, squirrels, babies, mice. How is someone supposed to know you are interested if you treat both her and her hot roommate the same way? Make her feel special.

5. Don't be bitter upon rejection. I have little doubt you will get the "I don't want to ruin our friendship" line at some point. Please don't be offended by this response. YOU were the one who took so long to make the move so YOU are the only person you should be mad at after hearing this line. This common saying is sometimes true, but it is mostly used a nice way to say, "I'm not romantically interested in you." Cut this girl some slack and don't give her a hard time about it; she's trying to be nice.

6. Don't evaluate your self-worth by the number of biddies who throw themselves at you. (To clarify, "biddy" is synonymous with "floozy." Feel free to adopt it into your personal lexicon). If a woman isn't interested, it doesn't make you any less wonderful, or in your words "attractive … intelligent … and … witty."

7. Honestly ALITO, you'll never know if you don't try. Your time in Madison, or what my friend calls "Babeland," is going to end this time next year. Really think about the 20 girls and try to narrow it down to one you would actually like to date. You never know; maybe she is waiting for you to make a move.

Good luck, ALITO!

Clare

Dear Clare,

King of a Loud Castle

Dear King,

You need to realize that there are other people in the world and they are allowed to be in public places emitting sound. Tolerance is something that must be practiced, and you must begin practicing right now! People are loud and annoying, and you can't build a fortress of peace and quiet unless you become a recluse on some deserted island. In other words: deal with it you whiny baby.

I can be harsh because, like you, I am a huge noise-snob: I really can't stand noise! Sniffing is the WORST! Anyway, as you practice tolerance, there are a few things you can do to help ease your pain:

1. Purchase earplugs. This is embarrassing, but I have actually mentioned earplugs in previous columns because I couldn't live without them. They can be purchased at Walgreens and even come with a little travel case! I am slowly trying to wean myself off earplugs, but would highly suggest them for you, dear King.

2. Find a place for quiet reflection to which you can escape when the stress is mounting. This school is absolutely beautiful and has many places appropriate for peaceful pondering. I was at first hesitant to give away my secret spots, but care enough about your mental-well being, dear readers, to share them with you. The swings at James Madison Park, Picnic Point, the docks of Lakeshore path, Monona Terrace and my back porch are all my favorite locations to sit down and breathe. I would recommend you try all of them (except my back porch, that's called stalking, trespassing, creepy and is illegal) but also that you explore and find a place of your own where you can get away with a good book or a good pal and just sit. Wow, how lame does it sound to "just sit"? I promise it's actually very nice. Wow, now I sound really lame.

3. Take a deep breath and count to ten, dear King. YOU are the problem, not the rest of the world.

Clare

P.S. In case I haven't offended you enough, I would like to give you the "lamest pseudonym of the year award."