Dear Clare,

Single and Melancholy

Dear Single,

My first piece of wise counsel for you is to reread your question as an uninvolved third-party, as I did. I encourage this action because your question makes you sound absolutely pathetic! Of course you don't think you're pathetic, and I'm not saying I think you are either — though I'm not saying you are not — but the remedy to your problem can be found by reading between the lines of your question. In other words, it's obvious from your depiction that this guy isn't into you. I'm sorry, but it looks like Shmuel is not going to whisk you away from Single and Melancholy to Attached and Jubilant. (Shmuel? Really?)

My dear Irish-born "mum" has told me since I was a young girl in sixth grade: "Clare, if a boy doesn't call, there's a reason." For all you clueless ladies out there, the reason he's not calling isn't because he "lost your number," "was really busy" or "was on the other line with his grandma." The reason, I hate to be the one to tell you, is because he's not interested. I say this with confidence, though I am aware there are exceptions. This disclaimer is necessary because I know there is a female reader out there thinking, "Wrong! I was the one that called my boyfriend first, and now we are in lala-land, population two: him and me." Well, u-rah-rah for you, little lady, I am truly happy it worked out that way. Your lone circumstance, however, cannot be generalized to the rest of the dopey daters out there.

In 2004, there was actually a book about this issue called, He's Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. This book basically tells girls that they should take the hints guys drop when they aren't interested. The book sold millions of copies and the authors were interviewed on morning talk shows and featured in magazines, as if they had published some revolutionary new idea that would change the world. I am reluctant but candid enough to admit, my dear friends, that my father actually gave me this book as a Christmas present (isn't he funny?). I only cynically skimmed through the first few chapters before concluding it was completely useless. How dare those authors try to capitalize on the insecurity of single females who they have assumed want nothing more than to find a mate! Who would be interested in reading that rubbish? Oh, it was a New York Times Bestseller? There's a sequel coming out? I actually own the copy? Unfortunately, it looks like the authors were onto something.

It is difficult to give advice for this type of situation because there really isn't one roadmap we can all use to navigate through dreamy, or disastrous, Dateland (I promise the location metaphors will stop now). For example, Zack eventually married Kelly after aggressively and persistently pursuing her for eight long, but entertaining years. This same tactic when used by Screech to woo the lovely Lisa, however, was completely unsuccessful.

There is a book that seeks to provide strict and universal dating guidelines for women called The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. My poor roommates have heard the rules countless times, which are basically specific directions for finding a mate. Because I'm sure you are all dying to hear some of these rules, here are my favorites. Rule 2: Don't talk to a man first. Rule 3: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much (this rule is obviously the one I would struggle with the most). Rule 6: Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day (Harsh!). Rule 14: No More Than Casual Kissing on the First Date (as if anyone would even need this as a rule).

Ridiculous? Arguably. Useless? Perhaps. This book, by the way, was also a New York Times Bestseller. Indeed, what a depressing commentary of our times. Though the rules sound like they come from the days your dad took your mom to the drive-in with Richie, Potsie and the Fonz, the founding principles they seek to maintain are relevant to the ladies of today: don't be that crazy girl.

I would like to also mention, however, that lads are just as hopeless in most of these instances as the women they are courting — or avoiding. If I receive a question that is somewhat relevant to this issue in the near future, I would be happy to elaborate. Hint: send me letters about this so I can keep telling you about my theories on dating and stupid guys and girls.

I realize, Single and Melancholy, that I have once again deviated from the specific point of your question. To answer you more concisely: don't tell Shmuel you want a relationship because he isn't interested. Don't call him for a couple days and see what happens. You appear to possess this Zack Morris-esque aggressive "go get him" mentality. Though this is successful for some, it isn't working with Shmuel. If he gives you a ring (the phone kind, not the jewelry), keep him around a bit longer and proceed with caution. Delete him from your phone if necessary … and don't you even try to accidentally memorize it. Trust me, I know what goes on in the head of "that crazy girl."

Good luck, Single and Melancholy! I don't like your pseudonym. You should rejoice in your independence and freedom! As Elphaba sings in the hit Broadway show, Wicked, "And if I'm flying solo / at least I'm flying free!" Just when you thought it couldn't get any cheesier, I go and quote a show tune. Hence, Single and Melancholy, you will now be named: Single and Merry.

Much better.

Clare