Typically in horror movies there is at least one person who the audience hopes will persevere and outlast the attacks of a serial killer or vengeful apparition; however, in director Rupert Wainwright's remake of John Carpenter's B-grade horror flick, "The Fog," this is simply not the case.
It's probably not a good sign when a movie is so awful the audience actually wants all the characters to be bludgeoned to death, but "The Fog" has that strange effect.
The films zeros in on the sleepy town of Antonio Bay, on the eve of its centennial. The bronze statue honoring the city's founding fathers is in place and the festivities are set to begin, when a mysterious fog able to (gasp!) go against the wind rolls in and wreaks havoc on the town, slashing the throats and gauging out eyes of anyone who gets in its way — definitely not your run of the mill stratus cloud hovering too close to the ground.
Apparently the highly respected founding fathers had a few secrets to their success. In order to establish a prosperous community 100 years earlier, the four men went to any and all means necessary, even if it meant signing an agreement with the leader of a leper colony, looting his ship and then setting fire to that very ship full of leper men, women and children. The colony certainly did not appreciate this gesture and their spirits have returned to Antonio Bay in the murky cloud to settle the score.
As if the plot wasn't punishment enough, the film struggles to recover at any point thereafter. The special effects are lacking, the actors seem tired and a slew of random, unexplained occurrences are thrown into the abysmal mix.
The deadly fog is laughable at best. Coupled with the blurred, black computer-generated images representing the spirit of the leper as they swirl around the victims, this 'death vessel' proves slightly more frightening than a middle-school dance. Furthermore, the thumping signal of impending doom ushered in by the fog could use some work.
No strangers to the small-screen, the WB's Tom Welling ("Smallville") and ABC's Maggie Grace ("Lost") fail in this big screen venture as the film's dull central couple, Nick and Elizabeth, who are, naturally, the posterity of the town's founding fathers and targets of the fog. Throughout the entire film, the actors display one dominant emotion — sheer boredom. Who could blame them with the scenarios they face and the stupidity of their characters.
For example, Elizabeth is frightened to see dripping footprints denting the roof overhead. Natural human reaction in this case: Run! Lock the doors! Get help! No, no … she's above that and chooses to go investigate in a sweater and underwear. Smart.
Or how about this one: Elizabeth and Nick find themselves driving down the town's main drag. Little do they know, but the fog is creeping its way back into Antonio Bay for a little nighttime mischief. Suddenly, the windshield shatters and shards of glass are scattered everywhere. Nick squeals on the breaks in time for them to say, "Wow, what happened?" Then, without even brushing off their laps, they are on their merry way.
Selma Blair at least displays some signs of life in her attempt at the role of Stevie Wayne, the sultry radio voice of Antonio Bay and single mother of an 8-year-old, who possesses more lives than "Halloween's" Michael Myers. However, even Blair's character cannot escape the film's stupidity. She is broadsided by a semi, her vehicle rolls four times — off a cliff, she is attacked by a screaming ghost woman underwater and finally swims away to safety, escaping with only a minor limp.
Scattered among such physics-defying action sequences are extraneous elements that leave many questions unanswered. A random man dressed like a pirate has an unexplained relationship with Elizabeth and gives her a watch he found in a clump of seaweed. Later, that same individual stumbles upon a full dining set assembled on the beach and then proceeds to follow a rope into the ocean, where he is swallowed by the fog. The symbol of a crown, scale of justice and the number seven are found in various locations around the town. A peaceful woman doing dishes is stricken with leprosy via a hand that springs from her drain and is quickly reduced to a steaming pile of flesh on her kitchen floor.
Why are all of these items necessary in the leper's revenge on the families of those who literally burned them in the past? Who knows? And really, who cares? The John Carpenter original may have utilized seaweed-laden ghouls, neon blue fog and the token '80s horror lead, Jamie Lee Curtis, but at least that was entertaining.
Grade: F
