The season of snow is nearing, which means a slew of new ratings-driven trash on TV is beginning.
Known for giving audiences a break from networks’ dirty habit of summer syndication, winter TV series usually grab huge ratings. Dominating the first few weeks of the season were Fox’s “The O.C.” and ABC’s “Desperate Housewives,” two shows that rely heavily upon FCC-approved sex scenes and random fist fights.
The two shows’ ability to draw ratings and in turn advertising revenue is undeniable, and few television dramas market to their age demographics as well as “The O.C.” and “Desperate Housewives.” What is debatable is the amount of quality content and innovative programming the networks are presenting to their audiences.
TV drama is driven by an agenda of ratings and profits, not creativity and thought-provoking plotlines. There are no better examples of this in TV history (with the exception of “Beverly Hills 90210”) than these two shows’ newfound success.
So, if hit TV shows are all about appealing to demographics and making money, why not create a hybrid show that appeals to the masses? It would have to take specific elements of each successful show and incorporate them into every script, insuring people of all ages that they will get what they came for. It will be called “The Desperate Matlock O.C. She Wrote at Seinfeld Golden Melrose’s Place … Moving on up Cheers Show.” With characters and plot twists to satisfy all age groups, the show would soon take over and change TV landscape as we know it.
Looking to capitalize on America’s love for loveless sex on television, the writers will first look to “The O.C.” and “Desperate Housewives” for their sex appeal. After much debate about the intricacies and complicated emotions that go into sex and love, the writers will decide to screw all that mushy crap and have all the characters have sex with each other at least once per scene. That should take care of the male demographic age of eight to 112 and will generate all of the commercial boner pill revenue in advertising from Viagra, Levitra and Enzyte.
With sexual hormones already incorporated, the sitcom will then need to appeal to its senior demographic of ages 60-112. This is where the secret weapon known as Andy Griffith factors in. Griffith is a show biz legend and has been involved in TV longer than the known existence of the Christian Bible. With appearances as both Matlock and Sheriff Griffith, the Neilsen ratings will skyrocket and ad revenue will stack up from important products such as Life Alert.
Regional advertising will also find their niche with communities showing restaurant specials on Friday fish fries and senior discounts on ambulance rides. Frequent appearances by Pat Sajak, Angela Lansbury, Bea Arthur, that fat guy with the curly mustache from the diabetes commercials, and Abe Vigoda will also keep the seniors yearning for more.
Raging sex scenes and Andy Griffith could very well be enough, but “The Desperate Matlock O.C. She Wrote at Seinfeld Golden Melrose’s Place … Moving on up Cheers Show” does not stop there. We still need to add comedy and drama.
Other than sex scenes featuring Abe Vigoda making love to Terry Hatcher, comedy will also stem from a reoccurring scene ripped straight from “Seinfeld.” Because of time constraints and copyright laws, the show will feature Kramer bursting into every door of every scene and promptly leaving. Michael Richard’s potent comedic delivery of opening a door really fast worked for nine years; there is no reason it should stop now.
To appeal to the drama junkies, the producers of the show will seek the approval of “Chariots of Fire” musical score producer Vangelis (yes, he goes by a single name; apparently he is that important) to run the title score throughout the show, even during dialogue. There will also be close-ups and fadeouts for each line, and actors will be forced to hold their facial expression going into commercial break. Again borrowing from “The O.C.,” there will also be lots of random fistfights over teenage girls.
Well there you have it, the perfect show. The show that would appeal to every demographic possible and attract numerous lines of businesses to advertise during commercial breaks. Just think, a scene featuring George Wendt as Norm and Isabel Sanford of “The Jeffersons” having perfectly choreographed sex to the tune of chariots of fire while Andy Griffith punches Seth Cohen in the ear to win the love of Marisa Cooper as Cosmo Kramer comes bolting through the door. This would be followed by an impressive commercial break featuring ads by Miller Brewing Company, Pampers, Viagra, the Farmer’s market, The Gap and, of course, Life Alert.
The unfortunate thing is, this ludicrous satire of TV is just as morally strong and educational as everything that is currently on television.
But hey, it will get the ratings.
