If you are ever in the mood to lose your appetite, lunch or some nosy, over-the-shoulder reader at College Library, log on to YouTube and search Lawrence Taylor. Then watch the linebacker who would give Hannibal Lector the chills turn Joe Theismann's lower leg into a boomerang in a Monday Night Football game in 1985.
The infamous hit ended the career of Theismann, who was the league's MVP in 1983 and led the Redskins to a Super Bowl XVII victory over… never mind, it's not important. The fact he was even able to stroll again is proof enough that the Roswell incident is true, since extraterrestrial medical technology is the only explanation of how a bone pretzel can be formed into a limb capable of walking.
Theismann went on to annoy the ever-living daylights out of many NFL fans, with a career in the broadcast booth, eventually taking full revenge on the show he was injured on, becoming a full-time part of the Monday Night Football booth this past year on ESPN.
Yesterday, however, the wordy, long-winded, repetitive and (yawn) shall we say less than exhilarating color man just got his second bad break on MNF, being yanked out in a quarterback change for the funny, informative, equally knowledgeable but infinitely more likeable Ron Jaworski.
Most people would see this as reason to celebrate, and in fact, there is some champagne chilling in the back of this sports editor's mini-fridge to celebrate the exodus of the Nintendo Virtual Boy of sports commentators.
The problem is, while Theismann gets the boot, the Game Gear — with only two batteries, no less — of color men is still around. Of course, I refer to Tony Kornheiser, who is to Monday Night Football what a 2-foot belly tattoo of Joakim Noah would be to a Heidi Klum cutout.
While Theismann is an irritant and seems to have the personality and sense of humor comparable to a cardboard box in the booth, "Korn Beef" somehow was worse, having absolutely no positive analysis to add to any play, usually pointing out how green the grass was or how a touchdown was worth not four or five, but SIX points.
"Korn Flakes" was often criticized for not speaking enough, with his seemingly endless pre-game monologues comprising roughly 85 percent of his total words spoken during any given broadcast. It's funny; I always thought that was "Popped-Korn's" strongest trait.
This seems to have sparked ESPN's move to pull Theismann from the booth, the fact that the no-nonsense quarterback and the supposedly witty goofball got along like Stephan Marbury and anyone else who is taking shots. In fact, it often seemed as if there were true animosity between the two, as if Theismann wanted to show Kornheiser exactly what it was like when his career came to a close.
Thus, ESPN decided to roll the dice and see if "canned-Korn" could succeed with a different color-man at his side.
Jaws likely will be spectacular on MNF, and television will be better for having him on it, but the fact is he shouldn't be replacing Theismann, but "Korn-on-the-cob."
Sure, it's nice to have the Thei-Master off the air, but not at the expense of an extra helping of "Korn-bread". In truth, MNF would be much improved with the talents of the Spanish soccer guy (you know… GOOOAAALLL!!!!) than with Kornheiser.
ESPN did right to drop a member from its Monday Night Football lineup. The problem is that instead of making a quarterback switch, a dual QB system was needed.
Hey, it worked for the Gators.
Dave McGrath is a senior majoring in English and Journalism. If you'd rather he replace Tony Kornheiser in the booth you can e-mail him at [email protected].
