Dave McGrath
Alright, so Rex Grossman had one of the worst Super Bowl performances of all-time. And yeah, he was the one weak link on an otherwise invincible team all season long. And sure, he's about as popular as Hannibal Lector at a birthday party right now in Chicago. But the fact is, if I were in charge of deciding the fate of not-so Sexy Rexy, I wouldn't send him away like he was a leprous Richard Simmons.
Nay, I'd do the unthinkable. I'd sign him to a long-term contract.
Now why would I do that? Because he still can be not only useful but invaluable to the Bears organization: Just not as a quarterback.
As a signal-caller it's pretty clear Train Rex is the quarterbacking equivalent of the Hindenburg, but put to other positions within the organization, he could prove more useful than a flashlight in Michael Jackson's basement.
For example, Grossman would be fantastic as the team's all-time passing contestant at halftime events involving throwing a football at a target. Grossman would ensure sponsors would never have to actually dish out any prize money, as Terriblesaurus Rex surely would pepper the stands and knock over a Gatorade cooler or two, but never come close to the target. He'd save the Bears millions.
But I believe the Grossness would most benefit the Ditka-maniacs if he were turned into a morale booster, and team icon. He should become a piñata.
He would get Chicagoans to fill the stands every Sunday just to watch the Notorious R.E.X. get batted and bruised with wiffle ball and NERF bats every halftime. Even when the Teddies go back to their franchise tradition of imitating a bearskin rug of the NFC North division.
He would even be more popular at birthday parties. What self respecting diehard Bear fan father wouldn't want his children going after a full-sized living breathing Grossmañata? When he passes out, Hexy Rexy could just let go of a bag full of candy, mouthguards and jockstraps, for the full piñata effect.
Point: Grossmañata.
Michael Poppy
Despite Rex Grossman's fourth quarter choke in the Super Bowl, Bears head coach Lovie Smith should do what he did all season long with his starting quarterback — stick with him.
This is not to say Grossman is a good quarterback — because he certainly has many improvements to make. But if Lovie can find the right guy to guide Grossman in what will be a long offseason, the Bears will be OK under center come next year. The only problem is finding Grossman's mentor.
Look no further than West Texas A&M University in Canyon, Texas. The small, rural town with a population of 13,000 will be perfect for Grossman's offseason workout, not only to avoid the media's scrutiny, but also because of a certain WTAMU assistant football coach.
Despite coming off just his first season with the Buffaloes, quarterbacks coach and local Interceptions Anonymous chapter president Ryan Leaf is the man Grossman desperately needs to hook up with in the offseason to overcome his Super Bowl woes. While Leaf never played in the big game, he equally sucked over his five-year NFL career, and arguably, much, much more than Grossman.
Just look at this way: Even though Grossman's numbers in his first full season are much better than Leaf's rookie year (it's hard to top just two touchdowns with 15 interceptions), Grossman is on the same career path Leaf was once on. If things keep getting worse, Grossman is soon going to respond to a reporter's question with a Leaf-esque "Knock it off!" tirade.
So what better guy to teach Grossman what not to do than Leaf himself? Leaf can show Grossman all the wrong moves, and after workouts, the two can hit the green and play a game of golf as Leaf will be West Texas A&M's golf coach this season. Hey, it's the offseason.
