McGrath
The worst All-Star in the history of all the All-Stars is without a doubt Wayne Gretzky. Now, before you starting writing that e-mail detailing how unqualified for a sports editor job anybody is for calling the greatest player in the history of his sport a bad All-Star, hear (I mean, read) me out.
I've actually taken a little bit of liberty with the All-Star tag. You see, the greatest All-Star team of them all technically wasn't an All-Star team. Of course, I am speaking of the ProStars, a masterpiece of cartooning from the early '90s starring Gretzky, Bo Jackson and Michael Jordan using high-tech sport-related weaponry to save the day.
Of the three ProStars, Gretzky was by far the worst. First off, he was just goofy. He was meant to supply the comic relief, but was terribly unfunny, tossing off lines like "Stop, drop and control yourself." It was sometimes painful to watch. Plus, his weapon was shooting a hockey puck that magically turned into a boomerang. Seriously, how stupid is that? Air Jordan's rocket shoes were awesome — every kid wanted a pair. Bo Jackson's being able to swing a tree trunk was an unrivaled ability, and I'm sure every kid — and every grandpa, too — wished they could do such an act.
But what dweeb would ever want to be able to shoot a boomerang with a hockey stick? That is just dumb. Why not just let the hockey puck stay a hockey puck? It would be much more deadly.
Or better yet, why not let The Great One wield a hockey stick like Sub-Zero from "The Running Man?" Knifing opponents wouldn't just own, it would p'wn, to use the parlance of our Internet times.
Poppy
The All-Star game is the most pointless event in all of professional sports so there are expectedly several players worthy of the "Worst All-Star" title.
While the Pro Bowl may be the most meaningless of them all, it's the MLB All-Star game that has the worst players as every team automatically gets one bid every year no matter what.
Honestly, how can a sorry franchise such as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays legitimately say it has had more than 10 All-Stars? It's an oxymoron on all levels.
Scott Kazmir and Carl Crawford are the only exceptions, but they probably won't be with the D-Rays for too much longer anyway.
But looking at the rest of the list is a joke.
Danys Baez? Lance Carter? Please…
Randy Winn — yeah, you know you're good when you were traded for a manager straight up. Lou Piniella, nonetheless.
Greg Vaughn? Pretty solid career, but it must feel pretty bad to be worse than his brother, Mo, who, despite being a very good player, was only known for his size and batting stance.
Fred McGriff? Go back to endorsing back-to-back-to-back AAU championships for Tom Emanski's instructional videos.
Roberto Hernandez? A career journeyman for terrible teams.
Jose Canseco? He's more juiced up than the Devil Rays' Tropicana Field.
And, last but not least, Rolando Arrojo. Who? Exactly. The only reason to remember this name, ladies and gentlemen, is if you're preparing to go on "Stump the Schwab" and need to know the first All-Star in Devil Rays' history.
So, with no further adieu, I present to you the "Worst All-Star:" anyone sporting the Devil Rays' cap in baseball's summer classic. Delmon Young, you're next — don't get mad and start throwing bats my way. I'm sorry, but Worst. All-Star. Ever.
