The stakes have never been higher for the annual Badger Herald/Daily Cardinal softball game as the marathon football game last spring left both teams thirsty for blood. Once again, the Herald lineup is stacked with talent, just like the Dirty Bird’s lineup is stacked with ringers whom we all know have never written a word for the tiny daily found in the boiler room of the dingy Vilas Hall.
However, there is some concern that the Herald’s news staff may be a little worn out compared to that of the Cardinal, due to the fact that Scherling & Co. write five times more stories each week than the Dirty Bird staff. Numerous reports of carpal tunnel have been reported by the Herald news staff due to the volumes of stories they consistently crank out, but it’s safe to assume that the members of the opposing staff would never come close to anything resembling this illness.
“Even though we work hard to maintain the best news section on campus, we still have plenty left for dominating the diamond,” College Editor Cristina Daglas said.
The news staff won’t be the only ones dominating the diamond, as the real power of the team will emerge from the highly touted sports department.
Stacy “My Mass/Energy Ratio Is Similar to that of Weapons-Grade Uranium” Hicklin may have earned the role of leadoff hitter after her stellar performance at the team fieldtrip to the batting cages. Her counterpart, Mike “I Refuse to Wear Jeans” Giefer, is breaking out his finest yellow pants so that they will shine during his homerun trots and slick shortstop play.
Drubaru Hansen and Rogispacey Anderson will provide no shortage of ESPN-esque hits and plays, previewing what next year’s big dogs will bring to the Fall 2003 sports section.
It is also rumored that the department will bring back former Herald/Cardinal game All-Stars and big pimpin’ playas Lee Ironside and Ben Robinson for some more hard-hitting action reminiscent of the fall football game.
In addition to the sensational six, the Herald will bring a full roster of outstanding sports writers who have not only achieved fame on the Herald sports page, but also in the Dirty Bird’s as well — as Cardinal writers have been known to quote Herald writers due to their inability to do quality reporting on their own.
Nick “Do You Have Tickets to the Gun Show” Marx and diminutive but tenacious Arts Editor Molly Webb look to make a significant impact on the game, as their fielding skills are as tight as their knowledge of music. You know Marx be in da club after the game celebratin’ his four hits and three RBIs.
Eric “In Da Country Club, not to be confused with Marx of course” is not conservative in his batting; look for some sweet hits to come off his bat. Veteran cartoon artist and Opinion Content Editor D-Rock Montgomery is crazy, and we wouldn’t put it past him to charge the mound at will.
Moreover, head honchos Lars “The Sneaky Lefty” Russell and Heidi “I Am Known to Talk Some Mad Shit When I Am at Herald/Cardinal Functions” Olsen are pros at handling not only perhaps the best student newspaper in the country but the high school-esque paper that keeps hours across University Avenue. After last year’s dominating performance in left field and on the left side of the plate, Russell will be hard to contain, with years of Herald/Cardinal game experience under his belt.
After a semester-long spiritual pilgrimage to Katmandu, veteran hurler Chris Arndt has thawed out his mighty arm to meet the Cardinal’s atrophied advertising/business/fundraising department on the field of battle.
Coach Davy “The Team Owner” Mayer only had one thing to say to his troops: “We are not leaving until they are crying and begging for us to stop raining hits over their outfielders because their players are all on oxygen tanks from running to fetch the ball so much, and furthermore BH 4 Lyfe.”
