Please, UW, break out of these doldrums. Especially now, when there is so much riding on this game. There is a bowl game to play for. Despite having only one Big Ten win, Wisconsin will be assured of playing in a bowl game with a win.

The team would salvage a winning record overall and get a chance to practice for another month, a valuable tool for a young team. Oh, and then there is the fact that they are playing the Gophers and beating Minnesota would sure put the gem back in my doughnut. It would also put the axe back in the Wisconsin cabinet.

It is games like these against our beloved next-door Minnesotans that truly shorten my lifespan. Particularly when we lose. While some people worry over the movements of the stock market, the girl next door or the big exam, I worry about the Badgers.

Last weekend’s loss hurt, and it would be nearly too much for my poor mind to handle if both the Packers (gods that they are) and the Badgers dropped football games to those ruffians from the other side of the border within a span of seven days.

As incredible as it was, the Badgers surprisingly lost Paul Bunyan’s Axe last season, falling 42-31 to the Gophers. Fortunately for Badger fans, the loss came at an inconsequential time, and any Gopher fan foolish enough to call and attempt to rub in the fact that they had actually beaten the Badgers could have easily been rebuked.

For instance, when my sister (a Minnesota student) called me up to gloat and be merry, I employed the argument that if Wisconsin had to lose to Minnesota once every seven years, then it was fine with me that it happened that day.

After all, the Badgers had owned the axe since 1995, and no team can win every game against an opponent. Wisconsin had also already lost any chance at gaining bowl eligibility by the time it visited the Metrodome, so my thinking was that it didn’t matter.

While the argument might be passable once, it certainly isn’t going to cut it twice. Now add that to the fact that being a native of Wisconsin, you obviously are acquainted with those kids that, for whatever reason (usually poor grades), were forced to head up to Minneapolis to join the rank-and-file Gopher lovers.

If you’re like me, you have extended a warm welcome from the goodness of your heart one day when you were in a benevolent mood and allowed the usually downtrodden Minnesota fans to journey down to Madison to take in the annual grudge match firsthand in a real, outdoor college-football stadium.

This, my friends, is a dangerous move, a gamble of sorts — a blind date, if you will. You just don’t know what you’re going to get. You know you’re getting dinner, but you just don’t know if you’re buying for Janet Jackson or Janet Reno.

If all goes well, it may be the case that the weekend turns out to be just blissful, with the Badgers beating up on the Gophers like they were a bunch of rented mules. Or, and this is the dangerous part, Minnesota could continue having one of its best seasons in recent memory, and Wisconsin could continue to get close but not win.

If the latter happens, those damn Gopher fans will crowd my bars wearing ugly yellow shirts after they win. Fortunately, they probably don’t have the gall to attempt to make off with the Wisconsin goal posts as Iowa fans did after a victory in the Gophers’ home stadium last weekend.

I implore you, Badgers, do not lose. Make one of my fellow editors (that’s you, Giefer) retract his pro-Gopher statements and once and for all leave his Gopher-loving past behind. This is neither the time nor the place for it, I say.

Sure, the Wisconsin program has slipped recently, and there are some indications that Minnesota is getting better, closing the recent gap between the two programs. A look at the records makes one wonder which team is really a recent Big Ten power. The Gophers roll into Camp Randall with a winning record, while the Badgers are a meager .500.

Wisconsin should put its foot down, say “enough is enough” and send those fruity-colored-jersey-wearing fellows back to their home state.

It’s a pure moment for these two teams. Bowl games, standings and championships are forgotten about when these two rivals take the field. Wisconsin has been dominant, but its dominance is faltering; the trophy case has a glaring, empty spot where the axe signifying a win in the border war would usually stand.

If ever a single game of monumental proportions existed for Wisconsin, then it will be played this Saturday.