Braun:

If the National Enquirer can make up its own “true story” about what happened at 2:30 a.m. outside Tiger Woods’ residence last week, then so can I.

Here’s what really happened:

Tiger got home at about 12:20 a.m. from what he claims to be a poker match with some of his buds down the street. He was simply hanging out with Shaq and friends when the Diesel made Woods an offer he couldn’t refuse.

You see, Shaq runs a secret fight club, much like the one seen in the popular film. But what Tiger didn’t expect was Shaq’s next offer.

“Fight me, and I’ll give you $1 million,” the Diesel proposed.

Now Tiger, never one to back down from a challenge, took the big man’s wager. He lost. Big time.

Stumbling home bloody and bruised, Woods went up to his room where his wife discovered him cleaning blood off his driver. Upon seeing his beat up face, she ripped the club from his hands, and Tiger wasn’t too happy.

“Wasn’t last time bad enough?” she asked.

In a fit of rage, Tiger took a 9-iron and began hitting balls from his front lawn to prove his power to his wife. When she came outside, however, he realized he was out of golf balls and left to go to pick up some more. That’s when he smashed into the hydrant and tree, and that’s when his wife smashed the car window.

If you know anything about the film, it’s fairly obvious why Tiger hasn’t spoken out about this incident: “The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club.” Just let the man be.

Bleach:

People in this world are so cynical.

So Tiger Woods was reportedly seen with another woman, crashed his car at 2:30 in the morning and had his wife smashing the back of the SUV with a golf club?

Why would you assume he is having an affair?

Don’t you know what day it was?

He got into a car accident because he was rushing to do some shopping for Black Friday. See, even rich people like good deals. I’m sure he could get another yacht on the cheap, or he was hoping to buy some Nike golf balls at a buy-one-get-one-free sale at Dick’s Sporting Goods.

His wife going all Albert Pujols on the car window? She simply wanted to remind him to get her a titanium iron set that was half off until 4 a.m.

Tiger is the victim in this whole situation.

He is a victim of our awful capitalist society that promotes extreme consumerism as the only way to live. Tiger simply measured his self worth by the amount of goods he can get on sale.

Can he really be blamed for that?

In a way, crashing into that tree will be a blessing for Tiger. He will finally learn to slow life down. Now he can just focus on his golf, instead of being bogged down in material possessions.

Black Friday can cause as much pain as it does pleasure. Tiger learned a hard but valuable life lesson last weekend.

Do your Christmas shopping online next time.