Listen sun, cut the crap. I don’t know what your problem is, but stop screwing around and either warm the globe or cool the globe. Pick one. We have enough problems down here as it is. A state representative got his fifth OWI. Rabid coyotes are eating our folk singers. Idiotic parents are creating hoaxes with their kids and gigantic balloons. And now, in the middle of all this, you’re going start flexing your muscle? What do you want? Virgin sacrifice? You can have the Jonas Brothers.

This almost yearlong “psych” pulled by the sun and his global warming agenda has left thousands of Wisconsin farmers with fields full of deteriorating crops. The cool spring, summer and now fall have left the moisture content of farmers’ crops too high to harvest. As if we needed another shortage, a significant portion of America’s supply of corn and soybeans is in jeopardy, and with it, the livelihoods of these farmers.

“We need a little of that global warming we hear so much about,” a corn farmer was quoted saying in the Capital Times. Tell me about it.

Just when we all were getting used to the idea of melted glaciers, rising ocean levels and Wisconsin being that much closer to the coast, it appears the sun has found yet a whole new way to screw with humanity.

The animosity the sun is generating is well deserved. He just lazily spends his day, sitting up there, scheming, formulating plans to ruin the lives of his scared worshipers. One year it’s 90 degrees all summer long and there’s a drought. The next year it’s cold and damp and farmers can’t cash in on their hard work. We’ve got to take action, so join me. We need to take this power of controlling the climate and, subsequently, our lives out of the sun’s hands. This is why I suggest we boycott the sun.

The sun has been acting irrationally lately. He’s wrongfully placing his vengeance on Americans. When it comes to global warming, in all fairness, we deserve some leniency. We’ve considered buying hybrid cars. We hosted a “Dancing with the Stars” special in Las Vegas with a “Go Green” mantra. We’ve thoroughly weighed the options of becoming a part of the Kyoto Agreement. And recently our governor, Jim Doyle, gave a speech about increasing the use of alternative energies. A speech! All of this to try and please the big burning ball in the sky. What more can we do? I’ll tell you what: a boycott.

In the good old Bush and Cheney days, all I’d have to say to straighten a guy out with an inflated ego, like the sun, is to get a hold of your state’s senator and tell them to vote on a full assault against the sun. We would’ve taken care of the sun the way we Americans take care of every issue that confuses and frightens us: by bombing the shit out of it.

Alas, those days of action are gone. The substitute is, apparently, talking about the problem ad nauseam.

Sorry but we need you to step aside, Marsh Shapiro. Go back to hiding in that box, Falcon. Osama, bring your lanky ass out of that cave and have a stretch. Until we get all this global warming bullshit under wraps, all other issues have to wait.

To clear your minds to finally focus on the real threat, the real enemy — the sun — allow me to end every current debate:

Illegal Immigration: We’re not going to be able to stop them, so learn Spanish and shut up.

Health Care: Fire, police, education, public works, national defense… What’s missing? It should have been done a long time ago.

War: It’s wrong, but it makes for good movies.

Religion: It’s wrong, but it makes for good artwork.

Taxes and the Economy: Libertarians, Democrats, Independents, Republicans — none of you know what you’re doing, if you did, the problems would have been solved already.

Arts: The Lord of the Rings trilogy sucked. All of them. All 10 hours of them. Sucked.

There, now that I’ve cleared your minds we can get back to the sun.

Unlike most issues, when it comes to global warming, politicians and I can agree. We agree we need to focus our attention solely on ignoring solving the problem, which is why I’m certain they will all support me in my mission to boycott the bastard.

To get the ball rolling, we need a “boycott the sun” rally right here in Madison. A rally drenched in red, white and blue. It would be televised all over the world. There would be thousands of people driving in from all parts of the country. We’d get Bono and Oprah to show up and plant a tree. We would have hundreds of vendors. Jim Doyle and other politicians would make speeches. And all the energy we use for the rally would be offset with carbon credits to let people know we’re serious about fighting global warming; kind of like the Badger football game in September. It’d be like the whole thing never happened because, you know, carbon credits, like, erase pollution and stuff.

It’s not even an option anymore. We must have this issue talked to death so by the time everyone is out of breath, half the earth is burnt to a cinder.

The alternative, I guess, would be to waste your time taking shorter showers, buying hybrid cars and energy efficient light bulbs, recycling, walking or biking instead of driving, consuming less, staying in touch with what the scientific community says about global warming, demanding widespread action from legislatures and all that crap.

Or you can join a real cause and boycott the sun!

David Carter ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in forestry.