Turns out Wisconsinites’ hopes for a happy Thanksgiving are no more than a pleasant post-Turkey dream, dreams which will soon be shattered by the horrible reality of “drunk uncles.”
Estately, which brought us rankings like “Which U.S. States Most Love the 1980s?” (note: Wisconsin ranks ninth) and “What if the Most Scottish States in America Formed an Independent Country?” came out with a new, festive ranking, outlining the states most and least likely to have a miserable Thanksgiving.
The site listed Wisconsin as fifth most likely for having a miserable Thanksgiving based on six criteria, whose data points were derived primarily from a mixture of government studies, Facebook data and election results.
The criteria are as follows:
1. Food poisoning likelihood, based on salmonella cases — Wisconsin ranks 33rd.
2. Likelihood of drunk relatives around the Thanksgiving table — Wisconsin ranks first (of course).
3. Likelihood of a political argument disrupting holiday festivities — Wisconsin ranks 10th.
4. Dietary restrictions, including diabetes and vegetarianism, which could impact the quality of Thanksgiving dinner — Wisconsin ranks 11th.
5. Likelihood of favorite NFL team losing a Thanksgiving game — Wisconsin ranks 12th.
6. Likelihood of guests skipping out early to start Black Friday shopping — Wisconsin ranks 27th.
For the record, Ohio, Iowa, Pennsylvania and Arizona ranked above Wisconsin. But if you plan on actually having an enjoyable Turkey Day in this state, think about excluding alcohol from the shopping list — or just exclude drunk relatives from the guest list — and enjoy your mashed potatoes and cranberries in sober solitude.