Tradition can be one of the biggest stumbling blocks to the rights of mankind. Time after time, the argument that the past must steer our future has acted as a rallying point for those who wish to prevent the world from moving forward toward new and radical ideas. No group is as vocal in its support of the past as the International Association of Sailors, Longshoremen, Lighthouse Keepers, and Toothless Old Men Wearing Yellow Coats and Smoking Corncob Pipes, whose continued opposition of the most recent bill brought before the Senate almost defies explanation. This group’s fight against the rights for females of a nautical persuasion to gay-marry the sea is a crime without compare, and in this article, I, the impossibly inane TC MASK, will attempt to convince you, the disinterested reader, to care about this pressing issue.
Marrying the sea has been a longstanding tradition among sailors and other men who spend much of their lives drifting in its silken embrace. They say their love for the ocean is greater than any love they could manage to have for a human woman, and it has been their right since primitive man first set boat upon an ocean to be joined to the sea in a somewhat confusing and vague manner. Taking the sea as a wife is an inalienable right to them, and though they share their wife with a great number of other men in an oddly polygamous setup, they are entirely opposed to any female sailors gay-marrying the sea.
Their arguments are simple and concise, sure to appeal to the knee-jerk Senate member incapable of understanding the deeper implications of a union between an exceedingly large body of water and a woman. First and foremost comes tradition; while men have been marrying the sea for thousands of years, no woman has ever done so, and it would be unnatural to change a system that works. Their appeal to tradition and myth in this argument naturally leads them to their second major argument; a marriage between a woman and the sea is not open for the conception of sea-borne infants capable of seeking their destiny as heroes. Prominent sailors have even drawn connections between increasing kraken attacks along the coast of Norway with the nation’s liberal marriage laws, which currently allow for civil unions between a woman and the sea. Whether these two issues are connected remains an important part of their arguments against this new legislation.
The Guild of Female Sailors, the primary nonprofit fighting for the rights of nautical women to gay-marry the sea and most vocal opponent of the IASLLKTOMWYCSCP, is quick to respond, pointing out that the love a woman can have for the sea is no different from the kind a man can have. The group argues that, in some ways, the love a woman shares with the sea can even be deeper than that of a man, as they must spend years overcoming their fears of ostracism and separation from the ocean’s salty yet rhythmic caress. They also point out that women, with their lower center of gravity and better sense of balance, can be even more comfortable while on a ship being playfully tossed by the ocean’s mirth. Finally, while women may not be able to assist the sea in the conception of new heroes, they can at least care for these “Children of the Sea” and raise them, so they might slay any aquatic menaces that threaten their seaside villages.
Whether you agree with their desire to gay-marry the sea, the cultural reflections of this struggle have been some of the greatest and most poignant works of our time. Take, for example, Henrik Ibsen’s famous play, Jag tror att ni kan inte l?sa den, or “The Lady From The Sea”, a measured look at one woman’s love for the sea. The climax of the play, a 20-minute exchange of graphic dialogue and action between the play’s heroine, Havetstik, and the ocean is a thing of restrained beauty when done properly. Another great piece of pro-tidal union literature would be Hemingway’s famous tale, “The Old Man and the Sea.” Although numerous readers are frequently fooled into believing it is a piece primarily about the masculine embracing the sea, the subtext of the ‘old man’ can be interpreted as the carefully constructed fa?ade of a seafaring woman seeking to consummate her love with the deep.
I should hope you see the gross unfairness inherent in the current heteronormative system and form your own, hopefully correct opinion. While we may not understand how these women grow to care for what is essentially a giant hole in the ground with a bunch of unpalatable water and swimming things in it, we cannot deny that it is within the basic rights of these women sailors to gay-marry the sea.
TC Mask can be reached at [email protected].
