Last Saturday, The Capital Times ran a story on the murky nature of Wisconsin’s sex offender registry program. At the crux of the issue are people like James W. Smith, whose inclusion on the sex offender list comes despite never being convicted — or accused — of a sex crime. Instead, Smith, who is currently in prison, was put on the list because of his “false imprisonment of a child” conviction, which he received in 2000 (interestingly, both he and the “child” were 17 at the time of the crime). According to the courts, because many instances of false imprisonment have sexual implications, this isn’t a problem, even though the circumstances surrounding Smith’s case suggest no sexual motives.

But despite what our justices might say, this is not constitutional, nor is it ethical. The sex offender registry program is not an effective tool of justice, and if marking offenders as the sons of Cain is so important to society, we must find a more transparent means of doing so.

So let’s isolate sex offenders the only way the remnants of the Holy Roman West know how: by giving them collars and calling them Father.

Boom. All of a sudden, we’ve killed two birds — one of whom also goes by “the Holy Spirit” — with a single stone.

One of the more common criticisms of the Catholic Church in regard to the latest abuse allegations is its reluctance to admit any wrongdoing. It hides behind bureaucratic phrases like “proper protocol” and attempts to paint itself as a victim of an anti-Catholic hate campaign. It’s like it lacks a proper strategy to handle so much negative press.

Well now it has one: go all in. Stop tossing around hollow notions like “isolated incidents” and embrace what Catholicism means to the world at-large: the sexual abuse of innocent, impressionable children. Sure, there might not be a place at the Catholic table for homosexuals, anti-abortionists, Rick Majerus or those Greek Orthodox separatists, but the Holy See welcomes sex offenders like prodigal sons. So take all of them. The state government even set up a list, so you can know which ones are the best candidates.

Suddenly, Wisconsin’s inmate numbers don’t look so archaic, and mom and dad don’t have to lie awake worrying whether Johnny’s being taken advantage of during the long days at St. Dominic’s — because he is. It’s pretty much the new motto. But at least they’ll know, and that’s what’s important. Faith is all about easing fears of the unknown.

Next to politicians, there is no group of people more despised in this country than sex offenders. We do our best to keep them behind bars for as long as possible, and once they get out, we work hard to ensure they’re not sneaking into our neighborhoods. While the offender registry does serve some noble goals — ensuring that former convicts attempting to re-integrate into society can’t get decent jobs, for one — much of the impetus behind the system is simply to shame them. Your drunken FCBK photos aren’t exactly flattering, but it’s nothing like seeing the words “level two” next to your name online. After all, we aren’t playing video games.

But shame via Internet databases is complicated and unfair to the most judgmental human beings — old people. Now we can go back to shaming the way God, medieval sumptuary laws and middle schools intended: by clothing choices. See someone in black robes? He’s either looking for a Renaissance Festival or he’s molested an altar boy. That guy with the Bible and rosary? You do not want to go into a confessional with him. Heck, you don’t even want to go to confession; you’re Lutheran now.

Remember those pills from the dentist’s office that showed where your toothbrush missed by staining your mouth a dark, fleshy pink? We can do that, except we’re not exposing plaque; rather, the most terrible, untrustworthy human beings in our communities. And instead of looking up websites, we can simply look up at the skylines, and stay as far away from the steepled buildings as possible.

Sean Kittridge ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in journalism.