Google is taking over the world.

This isn’t a complaint. It’s just a fact. Besides operating as the No. 1 search engine, the former pet project of Larry Page and Sergey Brin now provides the most efficient e-mail, comprehensive map search and tool to find topless celebrities, among literally countless features.

The last project to come down from Google Heaven and bless us mere mortals? Google Fiber.

For those still operating a Razr flip phone, Google Fiber is an experiment to hook up mid-sized cities with Internet up to 100 times faster than the current plodding broadband we operate at. At this point in the process, townships across America are applying for the right for Google to remodel their information superhighways in God’s own image. This Thursday, Madison will be holding a meeting looking for ideas on how to make themselves most attractive when they ask out the girl all the boys want.

Since I will most likely miss the meeting waiting for boobs to slowly appear on my bullshit Charter connection, here are my pitches to make Madison the most desirable location in the world.

Google Wave — The ugly stepchild of all Google creations, Wave died before it had a chance to crest. Although Google has countless gold medal winning spawn, Madison residents can resurrect Wave in an effort to prove just how committed we are. A citywide tidal Wave out to do the trick. After all, ugly ducklings need loving too.

Grassroots — The sun is out (kind of). The weather is warm (kind of). Let us do what college activists do best: Chalk the shit out of every bare patch of sidewalk. Flyers galore. March and mobilize in ways that haven’t been seen in Madtown since Vietnam. Prove to Google that this isn’t some bureaucratic political play. This is the Average Joe standing up for his right to watch super fast YouTube.

Boycott Yahoo — Because fuck Yahooligans. That’s why.