I have bad hair. I admit it. I’m going bald, my hairline is receding and my beard is overgrown with reckless abandon. A friend once commented on my “hat hair.” I asked him how often this describes my condition. “Interminably,” he responded.

And you know what? I do not care. But the lovely ladies at the AXE Hair Crisis Relief Center would scold me for my apathy. They’re offering free hair stylings at Nogginz to all male students through this Friday, and if you’ve walked down State Street this week, you’ve probably heard a cacophony of female voices announcing (screaming, really) this generous offer.

If you’re a heterosexual male at UW, there’s a fair chance you took them up on their offer. Was your hair stylist sufficiently sexy? How many AXE products were you lulled into buying? Call me a moralist, but this is the dumbest (and most culturally sinister) promotional event I have seen in Madison.

For weeks now, AXE has been promoting this weeklong haircutting orgy with slogans like “Get Girl-Approved Hair” and ominous warnings that “Every 3 seconds, a hook-up fails,” ostensibly because the guy in question did not get their hair cut by the AXE Hair Crisis Relief Center. An advertisement for the AXE affair in this newspaper reads, “GIRLS — you know the guys we’re talking about. Urge them to attend. GUYS — a few minutes of your time could improve your game forever.”

It might well be the case that “every 3 seconds a hook-up fails,” though I’ve had trouble locating the source of this important sociological finding. At any rate, it used to be that advertisements, even if they were suggesting that [insert product here] would improve your sex life, had the good sense to be subtle and tasteful. Not anymore. This is the first time (beyond late-night channel surfing) that I have seen the phrase “hook-up” used explicitly in a product advertisement. Make no mistake: Not only are we the “hook-up generation” — the belief that the “hook-up” is not only desirable but also morally acceptable has become mainstream.

And that’s not good. I’m no Rush Limbaugh or Pat Robertson. I have no words for Brother Jed, the male-chauvinist zealot who preaches on Library Mall with disturbing regularity.

But I know objectification when I see it, and I know we live in a culture that objectifies attractive women and men.

I feel sorry for the girls whose job it is to run down State Street, luring horny male students into their salon for the most sensual haircuts of their lives. It must be a humiliating affair to sit through training workshops on how to drain the pocketbooks of unsuspecting male passersby.

I feel sorry for the guys who think buying $50 worth of AXE products will solve their romantic problems — who will discover soon enough they have no idea how to make their hair look as good every morning as it will after this one stupid haircut in this one pathetic salon.

I feel sorry for the girls on this campus who don’t just care about what their boyfriends’ hair looks like, who know what love is actually about (hint: it ain’t physical appearance.) The AXE Hair Crisis Relief Center does not represent their viewpoint. And the most beautiful women I know have no time for those who attempt to speak for them in this demeaning fashion.

Most of all, I feel sorry for anyone — male or female, gay or straight — who could walk past a sign announcing that “every 3 seconds a hook-up fails” and legitimately believe this is a problem to be remedied. I feel sorry for the guy or girl whose weekend is spent looking for sex. This does not necessarily have anything to do with religion or morality (though for many, myself included, the connection will be obvious.) No — at a more basic level, it’s about self-respect and human dignity.

Our generation has a choice. We can be the hook-up generation — which, since alcohol abuse and random hook-ups are so highly correlated, might well make us the alcoholism generation as well.

Or we can be the generation that cures AIDS and cancer, travels to Mars, proves string theory, perfects the quantum computer and establishes contact with life elsewhere. That writes a greater American novel than “The Great Gatsby,” makes a better movie than “Citizen Kane” and paints a better painting than “Starry Night.”

That brings the world’s great religions into civil harmony, ends nuclear proliferation, develops the perfect economic system, eradicates the last vestiges of racism and chauvinism from our society, solves world hunger and ends genocides. And we can be the generation that — last but not least — makes our children feel loved and valued irrespective of their physical appearances.

We should not — and cannot — be both. Our capacity for greatness is inversely proportional to our willingness to humiliate, degrade and objectify ourselves and others.

So guys, if you’re contemplating getting your free haircut at Nogginz this week, save your time. There’s nothing there for you.

Eric Schmidt ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in political science.