My fellow hypochondriacs, the last few months have been a nerve-racking time for all of us. With the outbreak of a hellish strain of influenza, named H1N1, sleep has become a gift that does not present itself often enough. In hopes of alleviating fears of this apocalyptic disease, the university has taken a very strict stance on how to prolong the inevitable outbreak. Chancellor Biddy Martin and Dean Lori Berquam’s e-mails reminding us all to take caution during this cruel time are simply elementary. The professor’s tolerance of “sick days” is just not enough.
Unfortunately, we are dealing with a cataclysmic illness that will affect us all. The projected mutation of this disease has God himself cursing Lucifer for cooking up such a demon.
Readers may be fearful of this outbreak, but are unable to think of how to prolong their health before becoming a victim. This is why I have composed a few tips to help prevent a contraction. If you use these techniques, I can guarantee you will drag out your healthiness. Consider this your swine flu survival guide.
The first step is simple and does not require much effort: Stop going to classes. Normandy during WWII being the exception, I could not think of a more dangerous, unwanted place I would rather be than in a lecture right now. Yes, I understand this is a radical suggestion. However, I would rather be radical than dead. The fewer people you are around, the smaller your chance of exposure to the strain. If you would rather not waste thousands of dollars of tuition following my suggestion, I understand. Conveniently, I have thought of a possible solution to both problems. If you bravely decide to attend lecture, be aware of all coughs, sneezes, and clearing of scratchy throats. These are clear signs of H1N1. If you spot someone with symptoms of H1N1, do as such: Calmly stand up, point out the culprit and announce to the class a possible swine flu victim. Not only are you making those around you aware to a possible contamination, but you also informing the victim of his unhealthy characteristics. In conclusion, you will save the lives of many people and will be treated like a hero.
The second step is specifically for those who live in a university residence hall. House fellows and residents need to be aware of each other’s health conditions at all time. Constant surveillance of every resident is a must. We all need to work together to help keep the dorms hazard-free. If you have not seen a fellow floor resident in over 24 hours, assume they have H1N1. Once you’ve decided they cannot be saved by conventional medicine, there are a few precautions that you can take to protect humanity. Locate the SARS containment gear that still should be in your first aid kit. Since SARS was an overblown “catastrophe,” the duct tape and plastic that make up the kit should be unused and could act as a perfect makeshift containment area. Simply tape the plastic over the resident’s door, sealing in any air that may leak out into the hallway. After the quarantine has been constructed, elect a guard from your floor to stand and prevent the resident from leaving his captivity. Only after these precautions are in effect will residence halls be safe.
Finally, as a precautionary measure, stock two weeks of food in every single room of your apartment or house. The average case of H1N1 has a two-week lifespan from symptoms to full health. Therefore, containment during that time is a must. Once contaminated, seal yourself in the room. We don’t need to starve ourselves, but we do need to cut ourselves off from the outside world. There is no such thing as popularity with the swine flu in full force.
This is a deathly serious time for the health of this university. The projected numbers of contaminated students is nothing less than scary. You may say that I am over-exaggerating a simple strain of flu. You may be sick of hearing about the swine flu itself. Maybe I am just feeding the fears of everyone, leading to an even more dysfunctional panic. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Obviously, President Roosevelt didn’t have swine flu.
