You shouldn’t have to drink to have fun in Madison. But most of you will choose to anyway. Out of respect for yourselves, think of alcohol consumption as a right — not as an act of mischief. If you do that, not only will you save yourself from feelings of guilt, but you will probably make the distinction between smart drinking (a few beers along with a discussion on the meaning of life) and stupid drinking (use your imagination here for worst-case scenarios). After all, you are an adult.

Unfortunately, the University of Wisconsin does not believe you are an adult, and it will not hesitate to call your mommy and daddy if it thinks you are acting too much like one. The UW administrators reading this right now are rolling their eyes — most of the parents they call are the parents of students who have drunk themselves silly and woke up with a tube in their stomach. But not all of them. Some of them were simply caught with beer cans in their dorm rooms one too many times. Others may have been hosting wine tasting sessions.

Those of you under-18 who aren’t concerned about having your privacy violated by a call home to your parents may nevertheless want to avoid getting kicked out the dorms, which does happen to a select group of partiers every year, including some reality TV show cast members.

But there’s hope for the class of 2013. Those of you who live in the new dorms, Smith and Ogg, have the luxury of practically soundproof kingdoms of inebriation. Many of you will have nice house fellows who will look the other way. But even for those of you who don’t — those of you who live cooped up like chickens in dorms with paper-thin walls, or live under the eagle eye of a house fellow committed to keeping the floor as dry as Utah — hope lies in your knowledge of your rights as university housing residents.

Your right to drink is important. However, your right to keep it private is perhaps even more sacred. Luckily for you, that right is enshrined in state law, as well as university statutes, which forbid house fellows from searching your room without your consent. Unless there is a continual noise disturbance, such as an alarm clock or a stereo that’s been left on, or a legitimate concern for the safety of one of the residents, a house fellow must ask your permission before entering your room to look for contraband. No matter how much they twist your arm, coaxing you to be cooperative, you have every right to politely decline them entry.

Nevertheless, it is sometimes wiser to be diplomatic and take the write-up, especially if it’s your first offense. The last thing you want is a house fellow bent on getting you back all of freshman year.

The best strategy is to avoid the confrontation with the house fellow in the first place. If you must drink in your room, do it discreetly and quietly. Don’t blast the music during quiet hours — that’s the most common way to attract a house fellow. If you have a friend who begins to yell and be obnoxious, try to get him out of the room as quickly as possible. You should probably designate a plastic bag for the cans or bottles, and make sure to throw them in it immediately. That way, if you get a knock on the door, you can push the bag under one of the beds and put whatever you’re drinking in the closet. If they can’t see it from the door, they’ve got no case.

I sincerely hope you don’t spend the next nine months of your life drinking in your dorm room, especially if you live in a dorm as shitty as mine was. Even if you make it out of your room, it is still an insult to this city and campus if your entertainment can only be found between the four walls of a grimy dorm or an equally grimy frat basement. There is so much more to do and so much more to think about at the University of Wisconsin.

But just in case you think drinking beer will enhance your collegiate experience, remember this if you feel obligated to support many of the area’s microbreweries: The law says you can’t, but it also tells you how to do it without getting hassled.

Jack Craver ([email protected]) is a senior and the editor of The Sconz, a local political blog: www.thesconz.wordpress.com.