In the classic Woody Allen film "Annie Hall," Woody's character Alvy Singer makes the claim that politicians are "a notch above child molesters." Although I am an avid watcher of Mr. Allen's films, and consider him a cinematic genius, I take offense to that statement; my cousin is a child molester.With the 2008 presidential candidates voicing their stances and agendas on today's issues, I can't help but wonder who I'll be voting for when the time comes. But as I ponder this vote and attempt to familiarize myself with each politician, I begin to realize none of it really matters. Comparing politicians is like comparing the showering facilities at Attica and Rikers Island. Sure, one might look a little nicer than the other, but in the end, you're going to get screwed either way.

I really don't let any of the information I've gathered about each candidate coerce me into voting left or right. I block out the petty standpoints on taxes, the poor, the war, the rich, the national debt or any other facet of American life. I don't trust politicians, with their ulterior motives and "Man of the People"-type speeches. No politician is a "Man of the People." If politicians were men of the people, they wouldn't be perched on podiums chanting about the dangers of welfare reforms. They'd be at Home Depot arguing with Lou — who usually works in the paints department, but was filling in for Stan in plumbing — about which caulk to buy for the leak in the kitchen sink.

So, if I don't trust the agenda of any one candidate, how do I choose which to vote for? Easy, I've decided to vote on a purely superficial scale. Take Rudy Giuliani, for example. I liked Rudy as a mayor. He cleaned up New York and showed great leadership during 9/11. However, I would never vote for Mr. Giuliani because of his subtle speech impediment. If I'm going vote for someone with a vocal deformity, it better be a full fledged handicap, not this petty lisp business. I've known a few half-lispers in my day –which is exactly the type of lisp Rudy has — and they're all overly confident, pompous pricks. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. And in the land of the lisps, the half-lispers are king. It instills a sense of false superiority over people. Any speech therapist can contest my claim that half-lispers are the toughest patients, almost impervious to correction. Unwilling to admit their flaw and unwilling to accept help, they look down upon their fellow impediment sufferers — they pity them. That arrogance and egotism would undoubtedly carry over to the oval office. If Rudy spoke in a more incomprehensible — perhaps, stutter-saturated manner — he would have my vote.

Now don't label me biased; this voting method applies to all candidates regardless of whether they are Democrats of Republicans. Take John Edwards for example. He's skeptically perfect. If Mr. Edwards wasn't in law or politics, there is no doubt in my mind he'd be an Abercrombie model. I'm not a homosexual, but if I was, I would do Mr. Edwards. The poor guy lost his son not too long ago, his wife is battling terminal cancer, yet he somehow looks like he just returned from a weekend at the Canyon Ranch Spa. And it is this perfection which leads to some tentativeness with my vote.

Behind these perfect Southern gentlemen lie bullies and unethical villains. I've seen "perfect Southern gentlemen" before. Any guesses where I've seen such men? If you guessed "Amistad" and "The Roots" miniseries, you're correct. I'd hate to imply that Mr. Edwards is a bigot, a slave owner or anything of the type, but he's something that we cannot gather from his facade. Actually, I take that back; he probably hates Jews, Hispanics, and blacks.

I know some may think this voting method is a bit absurd, but I think the real absurdity lies with offering your trust and hope to some of the crooks we have running for president. When I was in fifth grade, Michael Stockton won our Haworth Middle School student council presidency. He won because he promised the student body an air hockey table in the cafeteria. We never got that table, but Michael did teach me a valuable lesson: Although some promises might be implausible, just tell the people what they want to hear. So next time you hear a candidate swear they're going to pull the troops out of Iraq, just know this: Pulling out is often times promised and fewer times practiced.

Jeremy Elias ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in communications.