If life has taught me one thing, it's this: Awesome is better than the alternative. Touchdowns are better than turnovers, personal restrooms are better than portable toilets and watching Arnold Schwarzenegger's masterpiece "Commando" on loop is vastly superior to suffering through five seconds of any Hugh Grant flick. This principle — we'll call it the Arnold Principle of Awesomeness, or APA — applies to politics just as it does in every other walk of life. You need look no further than the "Governator" himself, who has proven to be much better at running the Golden State than any option. The same could be said about Teddy Roosevelt (an all-around ass kicker) and Ronald Reagan (a jelly bean lover). That is why Madison must elect a man (Will Sandstrom) who is awesome — whose awesomeness was gained from years of varied experiences. What kinds of experiences you ask? How about taking on the Russian KGB with only a broken toilet seat? James Bond — as close to the definition of awesome as you will find — didn't even try that one. Or how about when ol' Sandy traveled through a parallel dimension in hopes of finding a boot he had lost? You try and tell me that Mayor Dave or any other candidate can put "Parallel Dimension Jetsetter" on their résumés. That's experience, brother. And if the Wisconsin men's basketball team has taught us anything, it's that experience is directly proportional to awesome. Now, not all the Sandman's encounters in life have been so neato. He's had to bury his own father — a victim of canned-heat ingestion — after the men paid to dig the grave ran off to get drunk — likely on the deceased's product (he was a moonshiner). That's rough. At least he was able to look at the bright side: His pop's last ride was in style — a 1938 Buick Century with side-tire mounts on the front fenders. We should all be so lucky. These experiences have taught the Sandcastle many things, such as to beware of the mafia and organized crime that doubtless is casting a dark cloud over not only Madison, but the world — with the exception of Finland, of course. This is why he will fight to the death to avoid a trolley system in Mad Town, just because "the mafia needs a sweet ride." I, for one, am with Sandbox: Our tax money should not go to providing transportation to the Madison mafia. Could you imagine the spike in trolley-by shootings? The Notorious S.A.N.D. vows to work strongly to lower parking fines of all kinds, pledging not to be a "night wallet burglar," which he accuses Mayor Dave of being. Again, when it comes to where I stand on the important issues, I'm anti-night wallet burglar for mayor. Sure, it might not be all that bad now, but how long until wallets start being burgled in the daytime? He is also on the record as being against the extinction of cats by means of bald eagle, another worthy cause. Though many are not particularly fond of cats, the fact is we can't just have bald eagles swooping down all over the place, snatching unsuspecting kittens from their milk saucers. The only thing that Mr. Sandstrom is missing is a name more befitting than his dynamic nature. His name should be Billy Sand-Storm (cue deafening thunder). In fact, he should hire someone to walk around with him to make the thunder sound every time his new name is said. I'll nominate myself, so long as he's got a decent dental plan. No stranger to controversy, The Storm has been quoted as saying that "we can't have 500 million Chinese," that we need a two-sided fence on the U.S. southern border and that he doesn't want Madison to become a sardine can. He's really just misunderstood. The fact is Madison, a city of just more than 200,000 residents, logistically can not have 500 million Chinese — or Americans or Native Americans or whatever. He's just stating the obvious. His fence idea is probably more for aesthetic purposes than anything else. What yard doesn't look better with a fence around it? And who wants Madison to be a sardine can? Sardines don't look very comfortable, and could you imagine how awful it would be living under an aluminum roof all the time? We'd never see the sun! It would be like living in warehouse. No, changing Madison into a sardine can would be bad. I'd rather it just be a city, thank you. Again, more proof of the Quiet Storm's wisdom, acquired from years of various experiences, many of which have been awesome. Add it all up. Quick-Sand stands for: No trolleys for Madison or its mafia, no more night wallet burgling, no more cat losses to the national bird and no erecting of a giant sardine can around our fair city. The APA dictates that I will stand with Sandstrom. Won't you, too? Dave McGrath ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in English and journalism. He is also the sports editor at The Badger Herald.