While my fellow Herald staff writers are voicing their opinions on the political regime of Gov. Doyle and various other campus issues, which seem to have some sort of monumental importance to the student body, I choose to write about my feces and desire to wear a fanny pack. Does this make me shallow? Uneducated? Uncultured? The answer to those questions is probably "Yes." But more than anything, it illustrates the lack of interest I show toward basically everything that happens around me.
Yesterday I found myself watching the "Magic Bullet" infomercial for the third time in a row, and then I spent the remainder of my day picking flakes of dandruff off my scalp and trying to smell my own breath (which might actually be impossible). While some of my fellow students are wondering how they can educate the world about whatever genocide is currently plaguing our society, I'm wondering why they haven't released the "Hey Dude" episodes on DVD yet.
The need to concern myself with more important issues and start making something of my life has become apparent. Although I am only 20 years old, perhaps it is time to "mature." But how? How can I turn my boring and seemingly insignificant life into an existence filled with meaning? I realize this is the same question asked by many of Charles Manson's followers just prior to giving Sharon Tate a surprise visit, but rest assured, I am not about to take part in something that drastic. I was thinking more along the lines of adopting a kid.
Adoption is an amazing thing. It gives a child a home and an innocent little toddler someone to love, and it discards that feeling of abandonment, which must accompany an orphan. I do not want to adopt for any of those reasons. In fact, I don't even want to adopt a kid; I want to adopt a teenager. I don't need the responsibility of watching over a rambunctious infant. I don't need to be one of those parents who attaches his child to a leash like he is an animal, and I do not need to give constant courtesy laughs to the child's pathetic attempts at humor (every toddler with a knock-knock joke thinks he is the next Shecky Greene). All I need is a self-sufficient child who I can call my own.
I am not one of those guys who lacks all patience or affection when it comes to children. I just do not feel I am qualified to actually raise one. I see the tough decisions my father is currently making with my 8-year-old brother, Sam. Although Sam's closest friends are joining the Boy Scouts, my father will not allow him to because he says the Boy Scouts "share too much resemblance to the Nazi Youth." True or not, I don't think I would have the strength to stand by such a stern decision when looking into the face of a weeping child.
I'm thinking of getting a 17-year-old, most likely male (if you're wondering why male, simply Google "Woody Allen + Soon-yi Previn"). Having a fully functioning 17-year-old would allow me to at least say I am doing something with my life. When my mother calls and tells me to get a job, I will have a quick response: "I have a 17-year-old child. That's a job in itself." The benefits of having an adolescent kid around the house are endless. I would no longer have to rely on the YouTube clip, "Elephant Sex," for entertainment. Side note: Everyone must download this clip. A male elephant's genitalia makes Seabiscuit's look microscopic.
In times of boredom, I could simply call in the youngster. We would play Jenga together and talk about our favorite "Seinfeld" episodes. In fact, we could even have our own little "contest" if we wanted to. Why not? He is 17. I can't keep treating him like a child.
However, the only problem with my flawless plan of adoption is that I'll be studying abroad next semester. As much as I would want to take the little guy along, I think I really need some time to myself. I would love my kid and everything, but being a parent is hard work; everyone needs a vacation once in a while. This means I only really need a son for about a month. Well, I'm sure if I keep my receipt, I can return him before I leave for Italy.
Jeremy Elias ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in communications.
