Two major issues are up for consideration in the general election: "Should gays be treated as less than human?" and "is state-sponsored murder a good idea if it results in lower taxes?" That's not the exact phrasing on the ballot, but it expresses my opinion and makes anybody who disagrees sound kind of like a douche bag.
The masters of this technique are at work on the third item on the ballot: Doyle vs. Green! You've probably seen stories about the two in the pages of the Herald and other physically smaller student papers; you've seen them on the news, read about them in fliers and had dreams in which they hover gnat-like around your head, yapping high-pitched whines into your ear about tax reform, only to wake up to stained sheets and a sense of irretrievably lost innocence.
It's a real flood of information, and the candidates have done their best to ensure that you can ignore all of it and still make a well-informed decision by taking advantage of the exciting new medium of televised political advertisements.
As the incumbent, Doyle stands on firm ground, and his ads reflect that. It's like he's not even trying. His attack ads "Give It Back" and "News" inform us that Green's publicized illegal campaign contributions are illegal, "Stands" attacks Green for showing solidarity with our president and "Six Times" delivers the lethal blow of noting that Green is extreme in his views on stem-cell research.
Pretty weak. That leaves Green to bring on the heavy firepower. You can tell he means business because his attack-ad-voice-over guy is much grumpier than Doyle's in the damning featurette "Pattern." It's hard to tell what voice-over-guy is grumpy about, since he suggests that Doyle illegally accepted only one 24th of the amount that Green did. The entire ad revolves around accusations of Doyle's corruption, but it ends before voice-over-guy could find his notes on whether any of the accusations were true.
To avoid such mishaps in other ads, the rest of the Green oeuvre is devoid of facts and simply reveals the hopes and dreams of Green, resources that, if John Denver is to be believed, cannot be taken away. These are expressed in a rapid-fire Q&A session in the largest of Green's ads, "Hey Mark," in which a friendly group of citizens attending a parade shout scripted questions at Green, who then answers them via spliced-in segments. A typical exchange: "Hey, Mark, what do you think about illegal immigration?" "It's illegal!"
Cutesy stuff aside, the fair-goers lob an occasional tough pitch at Green. "Should we open more Indian casinos?" "Only if they pay their fair share in taxes like any other business!" I think he meant to add "any other business that has paid for the existence of our nation with their blood and cultural identity, reduced to second-class citizens in their own homes," but commercials can't be too wordy. Green dispenses with words entirely when a concerned parade patron asks what he thinks of Doyle's "bogus attack ads." Green's gesture toward an adjacent horse's ass tells us his opinion of the "extreme" allegations.
Is Mark Green "extreme?" In "Extreme Family," we learn that he is — about lawn care! More relevantly, Mark claims on his site to have "served on the front lines of our nation's culture wars, battling the forces of moral decline and championing our communities of faith." That might be what Doyle meant — lawn care has very little to do with governing. On the same page, Green promises to defend marriage from "rogue municipalities." I don't know what a rogue municipality is, but it sounds much nicer than the one Green wants to live in, where they support "a ban on the frightening practice of human cloning" and "understand that our Founding Fathers believed in freedom of religion, not freedom from religion."
This sentiment brings to mind a clear vision of the Wisconsin that Green wishes to Make Great Again: A giant fortress, buttressed with the skulls of our enemies (Minnesota and Illinois transfer students) ruled by a theocracy which dominates the land and ensures that none escape, for there shall be no freedom from religion! Also, state-sanctioned murder of scary twins!
The rest of Doyle's ads were boring stuff about how he balanced the budget and increased student financial aid and intends to require three years of math and science for high school graduates (a slick move, since they can't vote).
But this isn't about policy; it's about presentation. Doyle may be an OK governor, but he doesn't light up the screen. Mark Green is a crazy coot who thinks the solution to stem-cell research is spending $25 million to correct a theological discrepancy with superfluous technology, but he knows how to make colorful ads with a homey feel. And he called Doyle "Mr. Tax-Hiking-Politician-Man" in a parody of a beer commercial.
Advantage: Green!
Ben Freund ([email protected]) is a sixth-year senior majoring in English.
