They couldn't quite get us hidden guns, and they're working on new ways to tell us exactly how gross it is when two boys kiss. They are making sure we don't get our hands on the morning-after pill and just get an abortion like normal people. Feel that on your arm, Wisconsin? Your elected representatives have got your pulse.
What will you protect us from next, o' gallant body of eternal wisdom? Survey says … fat cat University of Wisconsin administrators!
In what now passes as a mildly ridiculous proposal, Rep. Robin Vos, R-Racine, thinks UW administrator salaries should stay $1.00 below the governor's. Sounds great, right? And the timing is simply immaculate. What better way to attract a quality new provost than letting applicants know they will be driven by a higher calling rather than a mere paycheck?
This isn't about a childish vendetta. It's time to change the way UW schools do business. Think of the benefits! Your sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Thatsnotevenarealaccent, can apply for provost, get the job and not even have to worry about buying a new house!
Why all the legislative hostility towards the UW System? I am delighted to let them know UW-Madison is more then willing to offer outraged state lawmakers cushy administrative positions that pay way more than that stupid job they don't want anyway.
Rep. Mark Gundrum, R-New Berlin, come on down! His enlightened stance on LGBT rights extends only to pointing out private hospitals can't be stopped from allowing gay couples visitation. I'm thinking he should run UHS, where he will further his adoration among the gay community by offering detailed maps to private hospitals right at the front desk.
Rep. Scott Gunderson, R-Town of Norway, is our next lucky winner! He was this close to letting us all finally carry around that sweet gun we bought at Wal-Mart the other day. Mr. Gunderson would be perfect for the prestigious new position of making sure writing tutors are constantly strapped. If Timmy can't conjugate well, might as well make him dance good.
Finally, Mr. Vos can be Chancellor of Payroll. He will revolutionize logic by paying professors $2 less than the governor while giving TA's $1 less than professors yet $1 more than student hourlies at the union.
I hope America has finally realized the far right actually does intend to push its agenda forward. Republican swing voters, on the other hand, assume they will give it lip service to turn out the crazies and beat that Kerry schmuck. When it comes time to act on campaign promises made to radical interest groups, it is an inevitable precursor to a political powerhouse going under. We've seen it before. The instant it became clear President Clinton had no intention of offering welfare to baby seals, Democrats lost Congress.
Isn't politics great? Now we elect our representatives not by personal convictions, but how likely it is they will do something completely insane.
Of course, this isn't the first time UW has come under attack from the state Legislature. Late last year, Gov. Doyle vetoed a resolution which could have devastated UW's lauded stem-cell research program. The program attracts millions in private donations and attracts leading researchers to the state. Wisconsin has not been this esteemed among the scientific community since the 'reverse slide' milking technique back in the '20s. Say what you will about Gov. Doyle's wardrobe, but he has no difficulty crossing out stuff that doesn't make any sense.
Before you invite Assembly Speaker John Gard, R-Peshtigo, to lecture so he can confront your geology professor on his blasphemous dates regarding the earth's formation, perhaps it would be best if representatives didn't see the Capitol building as a stadium for rhetorical competition.
Perhaps such a restrictive salary cap would destroy UW's ability to attract quality staff in an extremely competitive market. Perhaps having the incompetent run a university would only lead to further squandering of tax dollars and more funding cuts for the UW System. Perhaps the state assembly is mostly full of crap.
With all the important posturing going on in there, perhaps there's a reason Chancellor Wiley earns approximately $205,474 more than Mr. Vos. Then again, maybe the Legislature is just trying to make sure our university is run by folks of the same quality as those in the statehouse. If that doesn't make you cringe, excuse me while I vomit in your shoes.
Bassey Etim ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in political science and journalism.
