The Supreme Court says rubrics and quotas are out when attempting to boost diversity on campus nationwide. Chancellor John Wiley says we must foster a more inclusive climate. Professor Emeritus W. Lee Hansen filed a formal complaint with the U.S. Department of Education, seeking an end to racial riders attached to University of Wisconsin System-sponsored scholarships.

With due respect to all parties, each has the problem topsy-turvy. Though race shouldn’t play a part, poor and minority students are kept away from Madison for empirical reasons less complicated than economics. A more inclusive campus climate isn’t urgently needed on and about Bascom Hill — it and the surrounding real estate are Madison’s most eclectic mixing pots for cultural and intellectual diversity. Few students regularly interact outside their comfort zones anywhere besides campus buildings. And rubrics are precisely what are needed to understand the problems of diversity on campus, especially this one.

A quick rubric you, dear reader, can use to prove the point. Answer affirmatively to at least four of the six questions in a category of the questions that follow and see if you fit the conclusion proscribed. Dorm denizens: use the address for which you’ve signed a lease for next year.

If you …

1) are supported entirely by your parents

2) last purchased coffee from Starbucks

3) drive an SUV at school, have ever taken a cab to class in the rain or dated someone who has done either or both

4) rarely, if ever, attend a class on the west side of Bascom Hill

5) have ever maintained a coherent and simultaneous conversation with three people, at least two of whom are wearing black North Face jackets and at least one of whom was talking on a cell phone; or witnessed said event at least twice in the last week

6) have ever waited in line to enter the Kollege Klub for more than two minutes

You live on or very near Langdon Street.

If you …

1) know the birthdays of at least three fifth-year seniors

2) last bought coffee at Fair Trade and/or felt pangs of guilt for legally purchasing anything in downtown Madison, ever

3) don’t know the middle name of anyone who voted for President Bush who isn’t a relative

4) don’t regularly associate with anyone in CALS or the School of Engineering

5) wear a winter coat made of natural or imitation-natural materials

6) regularly attend musical performances in Madison that do not involve brass instruments or Pat McCurdy

You live east of Bassett Street.

If you …

1) have ice skated outdoors at least once in the past 24 months

2) receive help from your parents with at least some of your tuition

3) know who Sterling Sharpe is

4) are, live with or have dated a student in the business school

5) don’t regularly drink coffee, because caffeinated soda (pop?!) works fine, even early in the morning

6) have ever massively consumed or witnessed the mass consumption of Schlitz

You live south of Johnson Street, east of Mills, and west of Broom Street.

If you …

1) last bought coffee at the Union or made it yourself

2) know the birthdays of at least three members of the school of engineering

3) are female and know how to change a tire, or are male and have dated a female who knows how to change a tire

4) own a Columbia ski parka and/or at least one pair of Levi’s jeans

5) know who Sterling Sharpe is and remember his jersey number

You live west, perhaps well west, of Park Street and north of Regent Street.

If you …

1) are a dorm denizen who has not signed a lease for next year

You are an honors student and/or you are single and/or you can name only one of two sets of the Three Wise Men.

Myriad of other examples aside from simple geography might be used to illustrate the same point: We don’t mix well. Every student on campus knows it and few talk about it. Until Madison integrates, a true richness and diversity in campus life will never be reached.

To those who break the rubric, as many undoubtedly do, congratulations. Two theories: 1) you noticed before reading this column that you aren’t quite the same as the people around you, or 2) you’ve confronted the nebulous “other” of campus life, shaken loose from rigid social moorings and come away with a rich and challenging experience at the University of Wisconsin. The name of the diversity game, no?

Eric B. Cullen ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in history.