By all accounts, this year’s State Street Halloween celebration looks to be a hell of a party.

Record numbers of revelers are expected to descend on the Isthmus. Police officers, under the supervision of new Police Chief Noble Wray, will be out in force, backed by massive, truck-mounted spotlights. And somehow the whole thing is supposed to be neatly wrapped up at 3 a.m., when we’ll all sing “Varsity” and quietly go home.

Any veteran of Halloween on State Street — particularly those of the past two years, when the celebration has descended into rioting — will tell you that this is a recipe for disaster. It’s unlikely that a large group of inebriated college-age (and not-so-college-age) partiers will be willing or indeed able to exit State Street in an orderly manner.

Things could very well get ugly.

So what’s the answer? A larger and more aggressive police presence could, unfortunately, instigate further rioting. And partiers aren’t going to disperse themselves. The obvious solution is to stay off State Street this Halloween.

Just hear me out.

First of all, simply finding oneself on State Street during Halloween is increasingly becoming an inherently dangerous proposition. Crowd behavior is by definition unpredictable and often violent. Assault, theft and other such unpleasant incidents are a real problem.

Halloween is also a peak time for sexual assault, and in the general mayhem of State Street and the surrounding area, it’s unfortunately easy to find oneself in a dangerous situation. Additionally, the inherently low rate of reporting sexual assaults drops even further during Halloween, as many victims do not know their attackers or (as increasing numbers of revelers are from out of town) where they are from.

Between the possibility of rioting, an aggressive police response and the normal pitfalls associated with crowd behavior, State Street isn’t the place you’d want to be at 3 a.m. under normal circumstances.

But these aren’t normal circumstances, you say — Halloween is something special. And so it is. Or at least it used to be.

Over the years, an atmosphere that consists mainly of boozing and gawking has drowned out any remaining sense of spectacle, pageantry or carnival-variety fun. Although drinking and checking out other people and their costumes are not bad things in themselves, Halloween on State Street is now much less like a community celebration and more like an overblown house party with thousands of freshmen who have no idea what they’re doing, where they are or when to stop.

In short, Halloween on State Street isn’t that much fun anymore.

But don’t stop working on that homemade Meatwad costume just yet. I’m not suggesting we simply not celebrate Halloween at all. There are plenty of house parties, bars (off-State, at least) and other venues where we can dress, act and drink in a manner that would ordinarily be considered bizarre, indecent or just plain idiotic — which is, in the end, the source of all the fun of Halloween.

This is, after all, a holiday whose catchphrase “trick or treat” carries with it the threat of good-natured disorder if one doesn’t get what one wants, be it candy, alcohol or alcohol in candy form. This is meant to be a raucous event. But not a reckless one.

I can hear your objections already:

“I really like checking out other people’s costumes.” As do we all. And there’s probably no harm in dropping by earlier in the evening to see the results of others’ creativity (or lack thereof). But as I said before, the event is less about enjoying the scene of creative and well thought-out costumes and more about rapid, systematic inebriation. Besides, most of the really cool-looking people are gone by bar time anyway.

“If a riot starts, it’ll be the police’s fault for provoking people.” Interesting theory. My own theory starts with the assumption that police are meant to keep the peace, and people — even extremely drunk people dressed like Duffman — are responsible for their own actions.

“You’re just an asshole who can’t enjoy Halloween and doesn’t want anybody else to either.” Maybe. But generally speaking, true assholes don’t care about the safety and well being of their fellow students, either.

No matter how you choose to celebrate this weekend, be safe, sensible and, above all else, creative. Nobody’s impressed by papier maché bongs anymore.

Rob Hunter ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in political science and philosophy.