It’s about that time of year again, when in the name of religious observance we are ritualistically bound to buy junk for each other and wrap it up in brightly colored paper.
Holiday shopping can be a very daunting task. There is a great deal of pressure to get “the right” gift. The wrong choice can lead to a tragic scene. You present your carefully selected gift to a family member, friend, coworker or the person you’re currently sleeping with.
As they take the present, a sublime moment of anticipation is created. The brightly wrapped box they are holding could contain some wonderful object that they always wanted but never needed. They anxiously rip the paper off the box and stare for a moment at the object they are holding. The smile slowly melts off of their face as they read the word “Flowbee.”
You smile and excitedly say, “Now you can cut your hair at home!” The recipient of your craptastic gift hates you now. They force a thin-lipped smile and say, “Thanks.” But what they really want to do is sell your awful gift and use the money to hire someone to kill you. You do not want this to happen.
When doing your holiday shopping for your favorite politician, it is important to keep this all in mind. Be aware that if you buy the wrong present for Donald Rumsfeld, he very well might kill you — with his bare hands. It would be in your best interest to refer to the following holiday gift guide. Buy the “right” gifts so that all the politicians on your list are happy and willing to overlook your little insider trading faux pas.
Ted Kennedy can be tough to shop for. He seems to have everything and then some. This year, help Edward put a new foot forward. Now available at Barnes and Noble is the inspirational book “Sober for Good: New Solutions for Drinking Problems — Advice from Those Who Have Succeeded” by Anne M. Fletcher. No doubt Ted will appreciate your concern.
Last summer Dick Cheney was embarrassed when a Wall Street Journal reporter got his hands on a promotional video for the scandal-riddled accounting firm Aurthur Andersen. The video featured Cheney and was filmed in 1996, when Dick was still ripping off investors as the CEO of Halliburton. Probably the most humiliating detail is when Cheney describes how Andersen gave advice “over and above” what would normally be expected from auditors.
The perfect gift for Dick is clearly the “Geneva audio/video/computer tape eraser.” Available for just $89.98, your gift will allow Cheney to erase these past mistakes and start fresh. Plus, he can give the newly empty VHS tapes to Rumsfeld to use for surveillance cameras. Everybody wins!
What about Al Gore? I’m sure he’s confided in you about all the trouble he had at the White House under Clinton. It seems that Bill was a rather disorganized and stubborn man who often belittled Gore. Also, it is widely known that White House staffers poked fun at Al behind his back.
Be a good friend this year; head to Barnes and Noble and pick up the book “Does Someone at Work Treat You Badly?: How to Handle Brutal Bosses, Crazy Coworkers … and Anyone Else Who Drives You Nuts.” This handy tome by Leonard Felder is on the bargain rack and will only set you back $3.98.
You can’t forget President Bush. Word has it that he recently figured out how to turn on his computer. Encourage this new interest in learning by getting George some educational software. A great idea would be, “Let’s Learn About: Money and Economics,” by ACD Place. This is the perfect gift for our pal W. He’ll finally be able to understand all those big words that Greenspan keeps using.
You’ve got your work cut out for you with James Traficant. The fiery former Congressman was recently quoted as saying, “When I get out, I will grab a sword like Maximus Meridius Demidius and as a gladiator I will stab people in the crotch.”
It’s obvious that Jim needs the new book “Chicken Soup for the Prisoner’s Soul: 101 Stories to Open the Heart and Rekindle the Spirit of Hope, Healing and Forgiveness” by Jack Canfield. Although do remember that Traficant is in minimum-security prison, so it’s probably not a good idea to put your address or last name anywhere on the gift.
Of course, there are some politicians who are mercifully easy to shop for. You can get them the same thing every year and they’ll be completely content: cigars for Clinton, shovel for Gary Condit …
Hopefully this holiday gift guide will help you choose properly for all the politicians on your list. Happy shopping!
