Last night, just hours after the Southworth decision was handed down, I found myself sitting in the conference room at the Herald with a group of ASM representatives who were visually excited about the day’s proceedings.
“A great day for ASM, a great day for students, a great day for UW,” they exclaimed with more than a glint of cheer. One could almost read “We win, you lose” written across their foreheads.
The gaiety was such that I couldn’t bring myself to shoot them any kind of intensive questioning — why bother spoiling somebody else’s good mood over a matter so far from our hands?
So I decided to busy (and amuse) myself by observing just how much these student-government types enjoy dressing up and sugarcoating flowery language to hide the inherent weaknesses of their arguments.
You see, a brighter day for my education is dawning now that “free” speech on this campus is legally secure to be bought and paid for by my student tax dollars. Interesting, isn’t it, how heaps and gobs of money are “essential” to provide the “service” for me to “engage” in “intellectual discourse” and be “challenged”?
By the way, just a little readership information, from now on this column will refer to the marginally confusing
“allocable segregated fees” for what they are — student tax dollars that would be much more appropriately spent on women, wine, song or pizza.
Anyhow, all of these altered, loaded connotations of words and phrases are enough to bog down this simple scribe and certainly enough to spur disinterest in the consumer of this and the Herald’s other musings about student government.
Thus, I believe it long overdue that someone amass a database of “ASMisms” for future reference and the benefit of the campus community as a whole. I’ll take it upon myself to begin the compilation. They put my e-mail here for a reason; send on any additions as you see fit.
Without further ado . . .
ASMISM LEXICON
1ST ED., ABRIDGED
Amendment, First: Only significant achievement of long-dead, unenlightened white males.
Amendment, Second: Blasphemy.
America, United States of: Held hostage by capitalist oppression and intolerance.
Associated Students of Madison: Bastion of understanding and vehicle of facilitation, though currently hampered by enemies of understanding.
Badger Herald: Subversive organization. Formerly Racist Propaganda Machine and sworn enemy. Now only accepted avenue through which message of understanding can reach intolerant masses.
Beer: Beverage of choice for white males. Nectar of intolerance.
Berkeley, University of California at: Role models.
Cardinal, Daily: Handy source for warm and fuzzy clips. Send home to mom for placement on refrigerator.
Climate, Campus: Always rising; requires dollars to reduce. Amount required undetermined and inconsequential.
Conservative: Drunk.
Dollars: Capitalist utility, necessary to achieve speech in oppressive society.
Drunk: White males’ preferred means of seeking the inner peace they lack because of perpetual intolerance.
Education: Process of enlightenment.
Elections: Private matters of great inconvenience. Pose risk of empowering enemies of understanding, should the intolerant masses take notice.
Enlightened: Informed and capable of understanding. Crusader against the obstruction of facilitation, no matter the cost in “dollars.”
Hughes, A.J.: Drunken fool. Incapable of understanding; infamous obstructionist to facilitation.
Facilitation: ASM’s mission, the greatest goal to which it can aspire.
Fiscal Responsibility:
Forthright:
Frugal:
Intolerant: Conservative.
Marx, Karl: Progressive.
Madison, City of: Land of peace and understanding.
Multicultural Student Coalition: Crusaders in pursuit of truth and righteousness. Underfunded.
MEChA: Casualty of intolerance and bigotry.
Organization, Student: Most effective means by which “education” is achieved.
Racist: Everyone.
Segregated Fees: Tools of capitalists creatively manipulated to fight capitalist oppression through “free speech.”
Southworth, Scott: epochal evildoer of yore, perpetrator of high crimes against understanding.
Speech, Free: Must be well funded and thoroughly cleansed of intolerance.
Speech: Fun to give, especially around reporters. Must include tears, high-pitched grunts and pleas for “tolerance” to be effective.
Student Services Finance Committee: Vehicle by which tools of capitalist oppression are rationed. Great arena in the battle for understanding.
Student of Color: If enlightened, oppressed. If unenlightened, subverted.
Understanding: The highest state of being a human mind can achieve, the goal to which we must all aspire. Should be coded into law.
Wisconsin, State of: Institution through which public funding can be gleaned.
Wisconsin, University of: Last, best hope of tolerance.
White Male: Bigot and drunk, unless enlightened.
***
On a lighter note, and in case you haven’t noticed, the weather has turned to cool, the leaves have turned from green, and the calendar has turned to October.
This means the college sports season is entering full swing as well. The hockey and basketball teams will have above-average seasons, because all indications point that way.
Penn State this weekend will be a blowout in our favor because Joe Paterno is 107. Ohio State will beat us because that’s what always happens, it’s God’s plan, and you can’t fight the big guy without a consistent running game.
But I could be wrong. It’s happened before. If nothing else, be sure to enjoy the proceedings with some good friends and a few ice-cold, choice longneck nectars of intolerance.
— Eric Cullen ([email protected]) is a sophomore majoring in political science and history.
