Other tentative titles for my coverage of Cherub’s Friday night show were: ‘I accidentally grinded with five total strangers simultaneously at a packed Cherub concert;’ ‘Using flatulence as a defense mechanism at a packed Cherub concert;’ and ‘How to start a fire with your bare ass and someone’s leather jeans at a packed Cherub concert.’ Basically it was an eventful night, but despite the mayhem, Cherub brought an amazingly theatrical show that wowed the dense crowd.

Pitfall one: Being at the center of a body sandwich

No matter where you were in the crowd Friday night, you were most likely crushed between half a dozen shoulders covered in slimy, alcohol-soaked sweat. Some bumping and grinding is inevitable at a show of electro-pop with a disco edge, but this sold-out performance gave new meaning to “too close for comfort.” Every time DJ Jason Huber dropped the bass or played a signature hook, the thick crowd moved like one amorphous blob of dance.

Us shorties in the crowd, sandwiched by bigger bros and enthusiastic fans, had little control over our own bodies. Luckily, the rhythmic ebb and flow kept us swaying and bumping to the beat. This type of proximity forces one to go through cycles of love and fellowship and utter hatred, the kind that is most pure because it is between total strangers. I felt love for my neighbors when the lead vocalist, Jordan Kelley, made suggestive yet endearing eye contact with us and we screamed back in affirmation. Seconds later, I transitioned to feelings of abhorrence when the lady behind me bumped and grinded so hard against my backside that she had lifted my skirt and the intensity of the friction felt like a fire was going to start on my butt.

Pitfall two: Inability to touch the band

This is perhaps the most searing offense against the vertically impaired. The duo interacted with the crowd throughout the show, and often treated the front rows as a sort of personal counsel, talking to individuals during lulls in singing and percussion. Several times during the latter part of the show both Kelley and Huber made their way to the front of the stage to reach out to those lucky, tall individuals in the front rows. I was determined and I was close, but unfortunately I was not tall enough to grab hold of their outstretched hands. I was inches away from strumming Huber’s guitar when he held it out at the end of a jam-filled outro.

Pitfall three: Fending off bigger invaders

Being close to the front meant not only proximity to pop greatness, but also the attention of the duo. So it was imperative to keep my prime real estate in the second row. When Huber dropped the hooks for the popular singles “Monogamy” and “Doses and Mimosas,” there was a sudden and violent surge toward the front. I tried a few devices and procedures to fend them off, including creating a barricade with my neighbors made of arms and legs. My favorite technique, however, was creating a palpable cloud of stench with farts so the area was so undesirable that the siege decided to go around me.

There is also one benefit of being short at a packed concert that I am particularly grateful for: Not having the burden of carrying crowd-surfing drunkards to the front of the room and not getting kicked in the face in the process. When the few brave souls made their way to the front, my stout hand dangled below haphazardly, showing my good intentions and hiding my joy that their flailing limbs would not hit my head.

In spite of my height, I went into extra tiptoe mode during the encore and touched the base of Kelley’s microphone during their cover of Calvin Harris’ “Feel so Close,” when a few of my taller counterparts dissipated. It was a final moment of redemption after several missed opportunities, and it felt awesome.

Although some experiences differed based on height, there were certain moments that were unforgettable for viewers of all sizes. At the conclusion of their main set, while the band played their hit single “Doses and Mimosas,” halfway through they shook bottles of cheap champagne and sprayed them into the crowd. Most could also see when the stage manager showed a commemorative tattoo by revealing his butt.

Most importantly, every concertgoer Friday night could watch as the duo sang and danced playfully across the stage, engaging with members of the crowd upfront, in back and in the balcony. It was a truly exhilarating and interactive performance.