Navigating exclusivity in college can present challenges, especially when conflated with the ambiguity of hook-up culture.

Many folks entering romantic relationships struggle over defining the relationship. People fear that introducing monogamy too early will scare the other person away, or bringing it up too late will mean their partner has already had sex outside of the relationship without seeing it as hurtful. Every relationship follows its own unique trajectory, and proper communication creates guidelines for a healthier, happier path.

But even the smoothest roads contain bumps, and sometimes partners in committed relationships find themselves pursuing emotional or physical intimacy outside of their partner. Infidelity — also known as cheating, adultery or having an affair — violates assumed or explicitly stated agreements regarding emotional or sexual exclusivity. Often, discovering infidelity creates jealous rifts in the relationship. Despite mainstream rhetorics that claim otherwise, cheating is neither simple nor a guarantee for a break-up.

Infidelity as an escape route

Unfortunately, some may seek affairs because they want out of a relationship and cannot find the courage to end it honestly. People may cheat and place little or no effort hiding their tracks, indicating a lack of respect for both the relationship and their partner. Communicating desire for an end to the relationship inflicts pain, but behaving dishonestly and pressing the self-destruct button using infidelity casts a shadow over the entirety of the relationship.

Partners may commit infidelities because they cannot commit to a monogamous relationship. Monogamy-normative culture presents serious obstacles for people who prefer being with more than one individual at a time, whether romantically or sexually.

Rather than pursuing adultery, people who prefer polyamory or other forms of non-monogamy should have conversations with their partners. Explaining preferred modes of romance and sexuality builds trust and intimacy as opposed to cheating, which damages relationships. Introduce non-monogamy as an experiment, and adventure to try together rather than a disastrous anomaly.

Society places plenty of rules and regulations on sexual and romantic scripts, but we have the power to rewrite them through open communication. Even if monogamy works for a relationship, defining boundaries can be beneficial. For example, do we consider flirting cheating? Can a partner kiss their friend at a party without violating the terms of the relationship?

Clarifying these limits can protect relationships. Monogamy doesn’t necessarily mean not wanting to sleep with other people — it means restraining from sleeping with other people.

Dealing with the aftermath of infidelity

Discovering infidelity in a relationship can feel world-ending. Suddenly, all the affection and trust placed in a partner feels hollow and false. Following the release of Ashley Madison’s client list, plenty of folks in committed relationships were forced to confront the reality of their partner pursuing other people.

Every incidence of infidelity is unique, but none stand independent of the relationship. After the anger and hurt have faded a little bit, discuss honestly the events leading up to adultery. Cheating can mean the end of a relationship, but plenty survive it and continue to stay together for much longer. Compromises and sacrifices are necessary sometimes, but do not sacrifice autonomy, happiness or self-respect in the name of a partner. 

Moving past infidelity can be challenging, but everyone deserves to have their commitments honored. Never feel obligated to stay or leave someone; make decisions carefully and independently of social pressure as much as possible.

Infidelity as the lesser of two evils

Sometimes circumstances limit ability to be sexual or intimate with a partner. Lovers may be sick or disabled, thus making the option of divorce or a break-up cruel. According to sex-advice columnist Dan Savage, “cheating is permissible when it amounts to the least worst option, i.e., it is allowed for someone who has made a monogamous commitment and isn’t getting any at home … and divorce isn’t an option … and the sex on the side makes it possible for the cheater to stay married and stay sane.”

Many may disagree, but if infidelity allows a person to stay by their partner’s side and provide emotional or financial support, perhaps cheating is the lesser of two evils.

By no means does this excuse betrayals of commitment. But it does provide an empathetic backdrop for those who pursue sex outside of a relationship when it is not available to them.