Hello Badger Herald,

I don’t know if this question lands in your field of expertise, but I thought I’d try you. I am in a long-distance relationship, and there’s no doubt I love my boyfriend. I know I wouldn’t be happy with anyone else. But on certain days, I can’t help envying those girls whose boyfriends are right there next to them, holding their hands to help them up Bascom Hill or going out to parties and movies together. I don’t want a one-night stand and I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend, which means I’m just going to have to tough it out.

The problem is, how do I cope with being surrounded by all these couples and knowing that it’ll be months before I see him again? What will pull me out of this depressing mood?

Girl Who Misses Her Love

GWMHL –

Although your situation isn’t as overtly sexual as many of our questions, it’s still well within our realm of expertise. That being said, let’s talk about what you’re going through.

One of the hardest things about distance is that, despite how technology enables us to see and hear our partners across distance, we’re still not physically together at the end of the day. Sex is one of the most significant discrepancies we feel upon separating from our partners, and though we should always remain optimistic, there’s no guaranteed way to fill the void many people experience.

Okay, that sounded cynical, but I promise it gets better. Here’s my general take on distance (and after a little psycho-babble, I’ll give you some great tips for staying positive)—no amount of technology or communication can truly replace the feeling of being with your partner, and to cope, you may need to change your expectations of the relationship. While maintaining the trust you’ve developed for your partner, it’s important to remember you’re leading separate lives, and though you’ll likely grow apart in some respects, the bond you’ve formed will hopefully be strong enough to reunite you, physically and emotionally, in the end.

Before I describe a few ways to cope, I want to emphasize something important. I know it may not seem like it now, but in the grand scheme of things, you’re a lucky girl. Think about it this way: you’re living in a time where long-distance relationships have never been easier to maintain. While we lead fast-paced lives, modern technology allows us to text, call, e-mail and even video chat with our partners regardless of how far they are. Compared to our parents, who waited weeks to reach their partners’ landlines (they didn’t even have cell phones!), we’re living the dream.

In all relationships, it’s important for both partners to be on the same page. This is absolutely necessary when distance is thrown into the mix, since growing and adapting together isn’t exactly an option. To establish some common ground with your guy, the most effective thing you can do is communicate. Discussing your respective goals and expectations will do wonders for your relationship, specifically where trust is concerned.

Depending on where your partner is, establishing a talking schedule can be difficult. But, assuming you’ve been at this for a while, you’re probably aware of the time change between your respective locations. It can be comforting to remind yourself of when your partner will be available to talk, when he has class/work, and so on. In long-distance relationships, “hanging out” is often replaced by a phone conversation or video chat, and while the adjustment won’t happen overnight, learning to get excited about these things will do wonders for your morale.

Five words: YOUR SEX LIFE CANNOT DIE. Repeat it to yourself every night before bed, write it on a post-it and tape it to your forehead, whatever it takes. Tons of people think distance is an automatic dry spell, but unless your partner is studying abroad on Mars, that doesn’t have to be the case. If you have the privacy, video-chatting can easily become a sexual activity. The possibilities are endless—you can strip, do a little mutual masturbation, heck, you can even incorporate some dirty talk. Of course, there are many other outlets you shouldn’t ignore—sexting, instant messaging, e-mail and phone sex, just to name a few. So, let’s say you’re walking through Library Mall at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday, and you have the sudden urge to get down. Don’t be afraid to whip out your phone and send your guy a quick text letting him know exactly what you wish you could do with him. Whether it propels a lengthy exchange or a bit of banter, sexting is bound to spice things up no matter how far you are away.

Distance is difficult—but certainly possible. As long as you’re genuinely optimistic, trusting and communicative, you and your partner will have a great chance at success. It’s natural to feel down sometimes, and you shouldn’t be ashamed if you’re jealous of relationships that seem “easier” than yours. Just remember—your situation is different than those other couples, and drawing comparisons will just dig you into a hole of doubt and dissatisfaction. During tough times, your best option is to be open with your partner, no matter how irrational your feelings may seem. He’ll appreciate the honesty, you’ll feel better, and with any hope, your progress will help you stay positive.

Rachel Dickens is a junior majoring in journalism. Want your burning sex question answered? E-mail our sexperts at [email protected].