I am blessed with two pretty cool jobs – one as a sexual violence prevention educator, the other as a sexual health educator. During my commute, I make the personality switch from a sensually energetic instructor of pleasure to bracing myself for handling the daily atrocities that are rape, sexual assault and intimate partner violence. On most days, I am taken aback by the conflicting duality of it all. How can sex – something intended to be so purely and wonderfully divine – be turned right around to be used as an evil, corrupted weapon?
On the days I feel especially inspired, I am able to see the connection. If we only ever discussed pleasure and fun, we would fail to acknowledge that some individuals experience sex in a darker context. Likewise, if we only ever discussed the dangerous potential of sex, we may begin to forget why and how sexuality can be enjoyable.
The work of sexual violence prevention is to eliminate rape-supportive culture – a society in which sexual violence is considered ordinary and prevalent attitudes dismiss, tolerate or even condone rape. Comprehensive sexual health educators are working to create a sex-positive culture. The beautiful simplicity is that our efforts can be synchronized to gradually replace one model with the other.
The underlying pillar of each movement is consent culture. This is about simply asking for permission before we perform actions on or to each other’s bodies and transforming the dialogue into mutually shared activities we enjoy with each other. This is about more than hearing a clear and freely given “yes.” It is about an enthusiastic, craving “yes,” one untangled from feelings of obligation, compulsivity or expectation.
Do not get me wrong. Separating pure carnal lust from our muddied conceptions of “proper” sex is no easy task, and there are multiple forces working against us. Lessons from our family, upbringing, peers, media, school, instructors, religion, doctors and sexual partners have informed and shaped the way we have learned to have sex. Tomorrow night, author Jaclyn Friedman will help us to work through these forces of shame, blame and fear to tap into what we really really want. Next Tuesday, Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment and Sex Out Loud will continue the conversation for their Sexy Way to Party workshop.
Seeing as April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, now is a great time to ask yourself, what would your sex life look like if it was ruled by your untouched freedom to access your raw sexual energy? Does the ideal match the real? Would you have sex in the same way you do now? Would you communicate with, touch and pleasure your partner in the same way?
Consent culture affirms that it is always the responsibility of the initiator to actively obtain consent, not just wait for the other person to give it up. In my line of work, I get a lot of questions about sex tips, techniques and communication methods, so I am rather confused about the confusion surrounding consent. I have to wonder, what kind of sex are we having if we are not asking for consent? Asking for consent involves asking what turns your partner on and what they like. It not only makes sure your partner is comfortable with physical activity in the first place, but also opens the door to the pleasurable world of participatory sexual experiences.
So here is my ultimate sex tip for you all, and it is really is quite simple: Ask questions. “Can I take your shirt off now”? “Do you like having your neck kissed”? “Can I touch you here”? “What do you feel like doing next”? Ask in a low, breathy, sultry voice. Your partner may be startled at first, and understandably so. We do not often stop and care to ask what the other person actually wants to get out of the experience. Give it a try next time you are hooking up. It will not disappoint!
Sam Johnson is a junior majoring in social work and is PAVE’s peer facilitator. PAVE is a student organization dedicated to ending sexual assault, dating violence and stalking on campus through education and activism. This month, PAVE will lead the University of Wisconsin in its observance of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Tomorrow at 7 p.m. in Sterling 1310, the group will welcome feminist author and activist Jaclyn Friedman. For more information, visit UWPAVE.com or email [email protected].
