Dear professors of UW-Madison. It’s summer, we miss you. How are you doing? We love you (´•╭╮•`). Everybody knows how hard and committed you are to giving the pretty girls in class better grades than everyone else. It must be a very difficult job, having to discriminate like that all of the time. I know I wouldn’t wanna do that. There’s most definitely a lot on your mind given the upcoming semester. Which is why the entire student body has contributed to composing this letter just for you.

We’re getting too many emails. 

You’re being super clingy, we’re talking to other people. We’ve got tinder, bumble, hinge, Facebook dating, grindr, Christian mingle and FarmersD messages to answer. Point is, we don’t have time for your yapping. If you’re not going to help us bag the baddies (gender-neutral) we don’t want to hear about it. We know you’re emailing 50 other people at the same time and we crave individualized attention. Work harder for us. 

Lecture halls

We find the number of identical projectors in the large lecture halls to be pointless. We think it would be much more viewer friendly if the primary lecture content was the center focus of the room, but supplemented with entertainment on surrounding screens. Brief clips of the Joe Rogan Experience, perhaps a Family Guy 24/7 livestream, Kai Cenat react compilations. Science has shown that the brain works best while multitasking and hyperstimulated and yet lecture remains the dullest part of our day. 

Can we be friends

Our friendship means more to me than our C- in your class. We’re much more interested in you as a person than we are in books or knowledge. This whole student-professor disconnect really bugs us. Weren’t you also birthed by a woman at the end of being in-utero for 9 months? What makes you so different from us? Why can’t we just be friends? What’s stopping you from changing our shit from a D- to an AB because we’re cool like that? Why can’t we hang out with you when we see each other at the bars? Why do you avoid our eye contact in lecture when we give our many nods of approval?

Professors can be pretty and students like kissing people who are pretty

We have beef with the University of Wisconsin System Board of Regents for cockblocking. Sex and power dynamics go hand in hand. Right now we’re Kanye and Big Sean but we could be Meek and Diddy. We should be allowed to date you and it’s oppressive and cowardly to deny us this right. That being said, we respect the sanctity of marriage. But if you’re not wearing a ring, we will make a move on you. 

Why you should accept our obscure medical-induced excuses for skipping class。

• My cousin is a flat earther, yes that is a disease. They won’t stop talking about it at family dinners, and we swear, the flat earther hangover is real.
• I woke up and there was a little-baby tickle in my throat, we’re concerned it could be way more? Last thing we want to do is give our precious professors little-baby throat tickles.
• My-dog-ate-my-homework-avirus. This happens way more often than you might think. Dorm flooded but just in one room so you won’t hear about it from the University. Again, this happens way more often than you think. Especially in fucking Slichter for some reason. Bunch of wet people over there.
• I am experiencing the stigmata. Terrible business this stuff is. Or great? Depends on who you ask. Either way we’re definitely not coming to class and it’s unethical to demand otherwise.
• You haven’t made us recite the pledge of allegiance once, so attending is against my religion. This speaks for itself.
• I accidentally stepped on a crack in the sidewalk on the way to class so now I need to check in on my extended family members.

PS a message to TA’s

Shoutout TA’s for actually giving us grades before we graduate. Also for looking hot while lecturing about the most boring shit in the world. You’re the reason we come to class.