Editors note: This story is satirical.
Many people argue there is an overabundance of funding for sporting events in our modern scholastic culture. Noted finance wiz, writer and well adjusted person Jeremiah Frodl teams up with famed intellectual, auteur and funnyman Phoenix Pham to debate this important topic.
Point, JF: There are multiple tangible benefits to our football program outside entertainment
I’ll state my argument plainly, the football team is an important part of University of Wisconsin culture. Without our continued financial support, we might lose out on tourism, social events and Saturday nights we don’t remember.
Counterpoint, PP: Over-financing the football program takes money away from student programs — and drinking takes student brain cells
While it is true that bars and restaurants reap some economic benefits from UW’s football games, we are missing the bigger picture — how much money will Wisconsin lose if its students go into debt financing the football team? Moreover, how many brain cells are we losing due to the heavy drinking culture of tailgates? For example, just last weekend I was at a tailgate — I got so wasted I couldn’t do my homework the next day. I had a good time but I definitely set back my prefrontal cortex by a few months.
Counterpoint, JF: We already waste too much money on our students
The idea that the football team is taking money out of the hands of our students is absolutely ridiculous and with that logic there are several other parts of UW that are equally guilty of robbery. Think of our student newspaper, the Badger Chronicle — no one reads student journalism and the tens of dollars UW spends on their paper could be used elsewhere. Imagine being shook down for money in a dark alley — then finding out your robber used it to invest in print media.
Point, PP: I really like tailgating but …
But the point is, not even tailgates are worth the financial freedom of graduating debt free.
Don’t get me wrong, I like tailgates as much as the next person. One of the best days of my life was the tailgate when I freed all the drunks in the Camp Randall jail cell. A close second was the tailgate I made love to a person wearing a Badger mask. The third was when I set the Mifflin Street record for longest keg stand. Seven minutes and 16 seconds. You should’ve seen me that day, Jeremiah. I was glorious.
I really, really like tailgates. But they’re not everything. Like, if somebody told me it was my dog or my tailgates — you know what, Benji’s kinda old.
Gosh, it’s tough to think of comparisons. Ok, how about this: if it was free tuition and world peace and no more climate change or tailgates, at least eight times out of 10 I’m getting rid of tailgates.
Counterpoint, JF: I saw that time you did a keg stand and it was fucking glorious
Phoenix I did see you that day, we all saw you. It was beautiful. There is a school of thought that says art is the pursuit of truth, the reflection of the feelings and reality of the artist. You stood like a spire into the sky, held up like a majestic, thirsty Atlas. It was a gorgeous moment that spoke to the very heart of the issues facing our society today. The weight of existential anxiety heavy in the sky — posed against the strong foundation of beer shoring up and giving strength to the spirit.
The beauty of grades is that they are subjective. A “C” to one person is another’s “A+.” For example if you had just finished crushing five or so brews in the lot with your pals, then read your grades they would probably seem a lot better. There seems to be this overwhelming expectation on students of this university to meet a certain academic standard, one which I believe is almost as bad for their mental health as sobriety.
Allow me to speak in parable. Let us say there is one lazy orange cat, who everyday wants to eat his lasagna. Though it is bad for him — and his owner wishes he didn’t — he continues to eat the lasagna and be lazy every day. That cat grew up to be multi-media juggernaut Heathcliff the Cat. What can we gain from this parable? He who focuses on the short term always gains handsomely.
Counterpoint, PP okay never mind I agree now
You know what, Jeremiah, I’m going to walk back my previous point. While grades are important in an academic and perhaps financial sense, at the end of the day, when I’m on my deathbed, am I going to remember the straight BCs I received every fall or am I going to relive my glory days as the man who did a keg stand for seven minutes and 16 seconds on Mifflin Street?
