Banter

Satire: 138 overage drinkers arrested for being total losers

Upperclassmen losers urged to stay away from freshman bars

by Phoenix Pham

September 21, 2023

Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.

Police raided the popular bar Schmucky’s last Saturday, arresting nearly 200 bar-goers for being “overaged.”

“We have a major drinking problem at University of Wisconsin-Madison,” Fake police chief Roberto Boberto said. “There are too many upperclassmen who still think it’s cool to go to Schmucky’s.” Boberto shook his head in disgust. “This is a freshman bar. Where’s your dignity?”

Advertisements

Senior Brian McDonald said that he only accidentally attended Schmucky’s and that he was really trying to go to the respectable upperclassman bar, HH’s. Junior Joyce Reynolds said that she was only there with a younger cousin and would never actually go to Schmucky’s by herself.

Satire: Local student maximises productivity with ONE WEIRD TRICK

“Nice try, McDonald,” Boberto said in disgust, tightening the cuffs around McDonald’s wrists. “HH’s is a mile and a half from here.” He spared a glance for Reynolds. “And you. Next time bring your cousin to an upperclassman bar.”

Schmucky’s owner Martha Schmucky blamed the influx of losers on last week’s horoscope, which directed all fire signs to go to Schmucky’s. Nearly nine out of ten of the alleged losers were born in March, August or December. Martha Schmucky also said in a statement Sunday morning that they would be retraining their bouncers to not recognize fake IDs.

“We deeply regret that so many of our patrons turned out to be losers,” Schmucky’s said in a statement. “We try our hardest here at Schmucky’s to be a nice, respectable, underage drinking establishment. It breaks our hearts to see so many local students throwing away their lives — and perfectly legal IDs — to drink here.”

Of the 143 patrons at Schmuck’s, only five were found to be under the age of 21, Boberto said.