Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.

Police raided the popular bar Schmucky’s last Saturday, arresting nearly 200 bar-goers for being “overaged.”

“We have a major drinking problem at University of Wisconsin-Madison,” Fake police chief Roberto Boberto said. “There are too many upperclassmen who still think it’s cool to go to Schmucky’s.” Boberto shook his head in disgust. “This is a freshman bar. Where’s your dignity?”

Senior Brian McDonald said that he only accidentally attended Schmucky’s and that he was really trying to go to the respectable upperclassman bar, HH’s. Junior Joyce Reynolds said that she was only there with a younger cousin and would never actually go to Schmucky’s by herself.

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“Nice try, McDonald,” Boberto said in disgust, tightening the cuffs around McDonald’s wrists. “HH’s is a mile and a half from here.” He spared a glance for Reynolds. “And you. Next time bring your cousin to an upperclassman bar.”

Schmucky’s owner Martha Schmucky blamed the influx of losers on last week’s horoscope, which directed all fire signs to go to Schmucky’s. Nearly nine out of ten of the alleged losers were born in March, August or December. Martha Schmucky also said in a statement Sunday morning that they would be retraining their bouncers to not recognize fake IDs.

“We deeply regret that so many of our patrons turned out to be losers,” Schmucky’s said in a statement. “We try our hardest here at Schmucky’s to be a nice, respectable, underage drinking establishment. It breaks our hearts to see so many local students throwing away their lives — and perfectly legal IDs — to drink here.”

Of the 143 patrons at Schmuck’s, only five were found to be under the age of 21, Boberto said.

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Freshman Lucy Rothschild said she was seriously considering transferring schools.

“I was so scared,” Rothschild said. “I thought everyone there was cool. But it turns out they were all losers.”

Local satire journalist Oscar Gnam contributed to this story.