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The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Senatorial candidate Pandela Parnes saves baby from burning house

Neighbors accuse him of being ‘baby thief’

Democratic senatorial candidate Pandela Parnes was door-knocking in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, when he noticed that the house he was knocking at had smoke pouring out of the windows. 

According to multiple eyewitnesses, Parnes kicked down the door and ran inside the now-burning house. Seconds later he emerged covered in soot and holding a crying baby. 

“I had never seen anything like it,” neighbor Doreah McCally said. “I just saw Pandela Parnes attempt to steal a baby.”


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“It’s really no big deal,” Parnes said, standing by McCally as she was interviewed. “I just did what anybody would’ve — wait, did you say I stole that baby?”

“Pandela Parnes is a baby thief,” McCally said, pulling out her phone to call Bon Bohnson. “Senator Bon Bohnson, can you hear me? Pandela is a baby thief.” 

“Get a video of him, Doreah!” Bohnson said. “This could be our big break!”

“I just saved this baby’s life,” Parnes said, showing McCally the baby, who had fallen fast asleep in his arms. “Are you being serious?”

Just then a red Ford F-150 pulled into the driveway. A man wearing a trucker hat and a woman dressed in flannel got out and calmly surveyed the burning house. 

“Excuse me, sir, ma’am,” Parnes said, walking away from McCally, who was conversing with Bon Bohnson on how to spin her video into a Parnes attack ad. “Is this your baby?”

“Oh my god! The woman screamed, running to Parnes and embracing her baby. “Jeffery, it’s that horrible Parnes man!”

“Ma’am, did you hear what I said?” Parnes said. “I just saved your baby from burning alive.”

“I know you,” the man said slowly. “You’re that fella trying to legalize crime! I’ve seen you in those YouTube ads! Hey, what were you doing in our house?!”

“It was burning down,” Parnes said, gesturing weakly at the flames consuming the modest family home. “Your baby was inside.”

“That’s trespassing, you know!” Jeffery said angrily. “I don’t know where you’re from, but in these parts, trespassing is a crime!” 

“I’m the lieutenant governor of Wisconsin,” Parnes said, rubbing his eyes. “I’m from the same state as you.”

“He’s a baby thief,” McCally crowed. “He was trying to steal your baby, Jeffery!”

“Did you tell Senator Bon Bohnson?” Jeffery said.

“You bet I did. Good. You’re through, Parnes! You might as well give up the race now, loser!”

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Parnes was already walking away, his hands in the pockets of his singed pants. 

“You saw that, right?” Parnes said to this reporter. “You saw me save that baby from the fire? How many more times do I have to do that before these people like me? I’ve got to call Mobama, man. How the hell did he get Wisconsin to vote for him?”

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