Listen, everyone knows that carbs kill. Literally. Nothing is worse for the human body than carbs. That’s why during my six month program, not only do I eliminate carbs entirely from your diet, but I also make you go to grocery stores to dropkick people who buy bread. 

Now, I’ll acknowledge the obvious — it’s 4/20, and I know a lot of readers substitute weed for alcohol whenever they want to kick back and relax. Honestly, I support this, hard alcohol can throw off your digestion, many mixed drinks have sugar and beer … has … carbs. 

While weed is a great alternative, there is one major downside — the munchies. You guys all know that I recommend one snack a day, usually half a cup of steamed spinach or four almonds, but the munchies can cause some issues. Luckily, I’ve got a few recipes for some low-carb munchies perfect for staying compliant with my six-month program (and making everyone else in the room fucking hate you). 

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The first delicious recipe is one of my favorites — steamed kale-wrapped tofu. Yummmmm. First things first, take your favorite tofu and cut it into about two-inch cubes, then set them aside. Take about a cup of kale and proceed to steam it until it is soft and workable. Wrap the tofu with the freshly steamed kale and BOOM, your snack is ready! 

What was that? What? You want salt in this? No no no no no, you guys all know how I feel about sodium in my program, that’s why none of my meals plans include salt. Disgusting. Don’t add that pepper shit either, even if scientific studies say it’s not bad for you. During one of my 24-hour yoga trips I had a vision that too much pepper would throw off the digestive system, plus it’s REALLY spicy. 

My second gift to you today is spinach-wrapped-kale-wrapped-lettuce-wrapped cucumber. This incredible option is way more complex in flavor than the first option, but it also requires a lot more ingredients. But, if you can get your hands on all of these ingredients, I would highly recommend making it, as it’s one of the tastiest things on my program’s plan. 

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And yes, I think this might even be better than Wednesday night’s dinner of boiled chicken, a plain baked potato and green tea kombucha. To prepare this snack for the big night, you start out by taking a whole cucumber and cutting it in half. Then you take the lettuce of your choice and completely wrap the cucumber inside of it. One this is completed, take your raw kale and totally engulf the lettuce and cucumber, once this is completed, repeat this with the spinach. 

Since this is a very special day, I think it is fair for you guys to use some sort of dip this time. BUT, if you use some shit like ranch or blue cheese, I will personally kick you off of my program. My dip of choice for this is apple cider vinegar, other great alternatives are motor oil or paint thinner, all of which are great for the gut. 

So there we go, another successful installation of “I Hate my Life but Look at my Abs Weekly.” Choosing one of my recipes should help you avoid the carb-riddled Cheetos, Doritos or Taytos on the upcoming holiday. So have fun this 4/20 everyone, and join me next week when I discuss how broccoli cakes will light up your Sunday morning.