As a college student, I only have three skills. Eating large amounts of food in one sitting, watching an entire season of BoJack Horseman in a day and procrastination. In fact, I’m writing this article for the sole purpose of procrastinating my English 207 paper that is due tomorrow at 12 (which I have not started).

To procrastinate further, I have come up with a few too many ways to not do the things you’re supposed to do.

  1. Eat a giant chocolate chip oatmeal cookie that your friend made you.
  2. Write a screenplay about that traumatizing time you called a woman “sir” while you were waitressing.
  3. Research jobs you are not qualified for.
  4. Make a shrine to Lucifer (complete with candles, a homemade pentagram and a picture of your dead goldfish).
  5. Buy 43 boxes of Cheerios, pour them all into your bathtub and then lay in it while holding a glass of cheap pinot grigio.
  6. Research where your ex-boyfriend lives and send him the worlds largest dildo. 
  7. Create a bong made solely made out of a pineapple and a piece of celery and then smoke out of it. Yes, it works.
  8. Take off all of your clothes and dance naked to “Friday” by Rebecca Black.
  9. Steal a dog.
  10. See how far you can put a large cucumber in your mouth.
  11. Cry about how you don’t have any job prospects.
  12. Wonder seriously why you don’t have any job prospects.
  13. Do nothing about why you don’t have any job prospects.
  14. Find a nine-year-old on the street, take their arm and scream at them about how your life is an emotionless abyss and that they should enjoy their years as a child before it’s too late.
  15. Have a staring contest with a doll.
  16. Make a claymation.
  17. Start a viral meme.
  18. Call your mother.
  19. Steal another dog.
  20. Call your therapist, cry for an hour about how your life is a complete mess and then ignore all advice that they give you.
  21. Drown your sorrows in a bag of Smartfood and then immediately regret eating the entire bag (but in all seriousness, why would they make a bag that big if they didn’t want you to eat it in an entire sitting?).
  22. Give your pet turtle a makeover.
  23. Write down all of the jokes you’ve ever thought of in a journal.
  24. Go on Tinder, find a hot mate, talk with them for a few minutes before deciding to meet up, meet up, kiss a little, go on another date, fall in love, have premarital sex, regret having premarital sex because it turns out that he poked holes in the condom because he wanted to keep you forever, find out that you’re pregnant, have a shotgun wedding, buy a mediocre house that isn’t baby proofed, have your child, raise the child, move out after your child goes to college and don’t tell your spouse where you’re moving to, move to old Mesopotamia, realize that you actually in love your ex husband, go back to your old house, find out that your husband is now a furrie, go back on Tinder, repeat.
  25. Write for The Badger Herald, because honestly, this takes up most of my time and prevents me from doing a lot of my work.