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The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


12 much better names for the Affordable Care Act replacement

The big men of congress should look into these even wackier names
12 much better names for the Affordable Care Act replacement

With all this crazy talk in the news about health care, there’s a lot of discussion with what the new legislation will be called. Posted on, the current title is “The World’s Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017.”

First off, Congress needs to be commended because whoever named that is a genius. Still, here are a few suggestions for new names, in case House Speaker Paul Ryan, R-Janesville, sees this.

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1. World’s Most ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Health Care Plan

It’s the age of emojis, so why not use them! Legislation will be both fun and (likely) accurate by throwing in everyone’s favorite shrug emoji. We all know U.S. Sen. “Micro” Rubio is going to have fun with this one, he reportedly LOVES emojis.


2. Mitch McConnell’s Magical Mystery Health Care Plan

Senate Majority Leader Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell clearly has something up his sleeve that he isn’t telling us, but he could still have a bit of fun with it. McConnell sure does love The Beatles!

3. The World’s Smelliest Health Care Plan

Named after Ted Cruz by Lindsay “Good One” Graham, The World’s Smelliest Health Care Plan isn’t as much a plan as it is Graham’s next script to roast Cruz. Graham also reportedly refers to Cruz as “Stinky Teddy,” “Senator Smelly” and “Crapped-Pants Cruz.”

4. The “Pepsi a Day Keeps the Doctor Away” Health Care Plan

A plan definitely not sponsored by any corporations in any way, shape or form, the “Pepsi-a-Day” plan recommends you go out and buy enough Pepsi to keep you healthy. Pepsi, it’ll save your life.

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5. The “Uncle Ryan’s not a doctor, but he’ll take a look anyway” Health Care Plan

(Not a) Dr. Paul Ryan is ready to help you with all your medical needs, all you need to do is sign up for his new health care plan. I can’t wait to get my prostate examined!

6. The World’s Greatest Hamburger of 2017

Who wants a health care plan anyway? Bring on the burgers with the new congress special. Cooked up by chefs U.S. Sens. John “Big Mac” McCain and Rand “Meat Grease” Paul, The World’s Greatest Hamburger of 2017 will be a plan to look forward to.

7. The Newer Deal

“Fuck FDR, this deal is some newer shit” – U.S. Sen. Steve “Suck it” Scalise, R-Lousiana.

8. Mitch McConnell Does the Mambo with a Mama Lama Health Care Plan

Mitch “The Bitch” is at it again with this crazy goof. Who even knows what that guy is up to with this title; probably Micro Rubio’s idea.

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10. Unplanned Parenthood

May as well have some fun with the name if the government is going to dismantle the program. Vice President Mike “Penis” Pence is going to like this one!

11. The “No Fatties” Health Care Plan

For those who don’t have any idea what to do for the new health care plan, then there’s an easy solution. Exclude the fatties … and fuck political correctness! Looks like New Jersey Gov. Chris “Christie Cream” Christie might get excluded from this one.

12. The World’s Greatest Health Care Plan EVER

If it’s going to be better than “Obamacare,” then make the name last. We have “Obamacare” right now in 2017 and ~maybe~ into 2018, use your heads guys, we pay you with our taxes for a reason.

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