Brrrr it’s going to be a cold one this winter! Every year in Wisconsin people suffer the extreme cold and their immense amount of layers only work so well. These 10 hacks will keep you so warm this winter you may as well be burning in hell, so have fun!

1. Eat all the snow

Stay warm this winter by championing the mascot of the cold — the snow. The snow’s cold will transform into your warmth when you give winter the “fuck you” it deserves. This method only works if you consume all snow everywhere, so it’s best if you start early.

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2. Wear your Thanksgiving turkey as a hat or scarf

May as well get everything you can out of those leftovers, and since Thanksgiving falls right before winter, use the turkey as a hat or scarf! Either keep it on your head or slip it down past your face. Both work great. This idea also makes for a great holiday gift if you’re lacking ideas.

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3. Listen to “Ooo Baby Baby” by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles on repeat

Love is a warm feeling, so embrace it with soul legend Smokey Robinson in his 1965 hit “Ooo Baby Baby.” The beautiful vocals will keep you serenaded until spring

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4. Start a Reggaeton group

The isles of Jamaica are consistently warm, so embrace their culture by forming a band in the reggae/hip-hop fusion style of artists like Busy Signal or Pitbull. If you’re playing the music, you’re experiencing the music — which means you’re among the palm trees and beaches of Jamaica, man.

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5. Heat up some ice

If the ice is so goddamn cold, then why not just heat it up, idiot!

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6. Get a blood transfusion

Blood keeps you warm so simply buy some more. It’s not hard. Just go to your nearest hospital or clinic and take a number. From there, the doctors will stick a bicycle pump that is connected to an IV into your arm and pump you up with that sweet red juice. This should only take about an hour and a half of your time and will last around 3 months.

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7. Wear Gore-Tex underwear

Don’t let your crotch get wet this winter. Use Gore-Tex! The top-grade water resistant materials will keep you warm from any sort of leakage.

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8. Sublease an igloo

If you live in a temperate climate, igloos are not a smart investment. Instead, sign onto a sublease and use one all winter! The igloo market is always competitive in the wintertime, so subleasing one can be a challenge. But igloos are the most convenient way to stay warm and are totally worth the money.

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9. Keep a well-done steak in your armpits

As one of the most susceptible places for your body to be cold, keeping a well-done steak here will do the trick. After cooking the meat for so long, it’ll be hot and ready to go for the rest of your day. The best part is, when your done after a long day of being warm, you have dinner waiting for you! Bon appetit!

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10. Contribute to global warming

Screw the cold. Contribute to the global struggle to abolish it and give warmth to where people need it most. To help warm the earth, all you have to do is keep living as you are now and don’t change a thing … or revive the coal industry, either works.

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