Forget the zodiacs, the stars only perfectly align over your freshman year residence hall.
Here’s your horoscope for the upcoming week:
Adams Hall
The stars are probably aligned in your favor, but it’s hard to see anything up there through the billowing clouds of marijuana smoke rising up from students smoking joints on Lake Mendota.
Chadbourne Hall
It’s not that you can’t find love, it’s just that you won’t make it in time for stir fry at Rheta’s this week.
Dejope Hall
A deep opportunity for personal reflection will present itself this week, but as you gaze at your face in the lake you won’t realize how thin the ice is, and with a swift crack, down you’ll go.
Elizabeth Waters Hall
Saturn and Mars will align and deliver you the passionate match you have been tirelessly seeking, which is too bad because you were really making progress trying to kick that terrible cigarette habit.
Kronshage Hall
Your friends and family will need you this week — you’ve neglected every single one of your responsibilities and everyone is incredibly sick of your shit.
Leopold Hall
Orion’s Belt adopted a whole extra star this week just to let you know your father doesn’t break his back working 12 hours a day just so you can order Asian Kitchen on the emergency credit card for the third time this week.
Merit Hall
Don’t be afraid to ask for help — you can’t hide all that gory and damning evidence on your own.
Ogg Hall
Though you may not have realized it yet, there is a toxic presence in your life. Maybe you should find a better place to stash your impressive stock of nuclear radioactive waste.
Sellery Hall
This week, the stars are signaling that your Wiscard will be perfectly aligned with the crack in the sewer drain on University Avenue.
Slichter Hall
There is definitely good news in store for you, but you’re too broke to afford any of it.
Smith Hall
You’ve always had a hard time with things that are out of your control, but it’s time to accept the turning of the seasons. Stop trying to slurp up all the snow with your orange Krazy Straw and put your pants back on.
Sullivan Hall
If you’re having a hard time solving your obscene money problems, don’t worry — your finance TA will extend the deadline until next week.
Tripp Hall
After months of only ever ordering the black bean burger from Fired Up, you’ll finally step out of your comfort zone, go into a full blown panic and order the same black bean burger.
Witte Hall
Your weekend is looking bright. Too bright. They should save some energy and invest in lower wattage sirens on the ambulance that will take you to detox Saturday evening.
