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Craps on campus: Macro dumps at Microbial Sciences

The Herald’s guide to the best (and worst) spots to poop on campus

by Patrick Ronan

November 19, 2015

This week’s edition would like to pay tribute to World Toilet Day. Today is a day to give thanks for having so many functional places to poop.

If you’ve ever been lucky enough to visit the Microbial Sciences Building, you surely know the wonder of this magnificent creation. This modernist work of art leaves spectators in awe as they gaze skyward at a magnificent hall crisscrossed by seemingly floating staircases and suspended study-pods.

As a certified poop expert, upon entering I was immediately eager to see what the masterful architect of this cutting-edge establishment had in store for the most important room of any building: the bathroom.

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Firstly, the restroom is in pristine condition. Instead of the grimy, discolored countertops we have become accustomed to around campus, there are spotless jet-black washing stations. Glossy white toilet seats replace the crusty, urine-covered porcelain to which we expose our precious derrières with unacceptable frequency. The bathroom is so clean that you probably don’t even need to wash your hands after your cathartic intestinal purge, but if you care to do so, six beautiful automatic faucets stand at the ready.

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The defining feature of the restroom is undoubtedly its handicap stall; an incredibly spacious and well-designed pooping parlor. Seriously, this stall is huge. You could easily fit at least ten people in this thing. It’s basically a room on its own, fully furnished with a polished white chair at its center. This stall also features a mysterious unmarked lever on the wall, that when pushed triggers a mysterious gush of water from a drain below. I’m not entirely sure what exactly it does, but it adds a valuable element of intrigue and ambiguous utility to these facilities.

Don’t be daunted by the work that goes on inside Microbial Sciences. While their research focuses on the microscopically small elements of nature, their bathroom is perfect for the biggest and stinkiest parts of everyday life.