With a four-inch gray handlebar beard extending from his face, Chris Kriskovic — known as Xtopher Grey in facial hair competitions — gathered with his (also bearded) friends at the High Noon Saloon Friday night. They each sipped their craft beers, collectively representing the four-year-old elite Madison Beard Wearers Union.
According to Kriskovic, who recently opted for judging over competing, the purpose of the group is to “drink beer and share camaraderie.”
In reverence of this purpose, hipsters, bikers and microbrewers alike came together Friday night for the much anticipated 2015 Wisconsin Beard-Off. This competition is put on by novelty event coordinators from the organization Modern Antics.
Art Allen is the creative mastermind behind this Midwest competition. The idea was cultivated in 2009 when Allen discovered that beard and mustache competitions were rising in popularity, but noticed that there were none near his hometown of Minneapolis. He started collaborating with his friends and ended up expanding these competitions to Madison and Des Moines.
The majority of the audience, surprisingly, are women looking for bearded men. When it comes to choosing judges, he likes to choose men with expertise, such as Kriskovic, and always aims to select one woman who is particularly fond of beards. Allen explained that the judges critique the overall quality of a beard including its length, thickness and originality. It’s serious business.
“We’ve got a guy tonight who’s wearing a fake beard in the freestyle category and I don’t think the judges will look too kindly on that,” Allen said.
The Wisconsin Beard-Off was in six parts: mustaches, ladies, full beards, short full beards, partial beards and free-style. A final round picked the ultimate champion from the six winners of the respective parts.
The first part, mustaches, pitted a man with a top hat against a redhead whose mustache extended down the length of his neck. As each contestant was brought on stage the emcee asked them creative questions and turned them to the judges who often stroked the facial hair and took photos.
Then came time for the ladies to show off their most creative beard concoctions. The first woman had a paper beard made out of pictures of brunette hair cut out from magazines. The second woman, who ended up winning, named her pseudo-beard “Beards In Bloom,” which featured a blonde wig with pictures of colorful birds in it. The third contestant was actually two females who braided their hair together underneath their chins. They answered their questions in unison and said they were only planning on staying conjoined “for the next three minutes.”
The third part of the competition was “Duck Dynasty’s” wet dream: full beards. This included a group of men ranging from a man named Rhino to a man who said that not a week has gone by since he hasn’t gotten a compliment. The winner from this section was a man named Mike whose beard, which extended past his groin, swayed along while he walked.
The fourth part was for short full beards. One man has been growing out his beard since “No Shave November,” while another claimed to be the only bearded person in his family. The winner from this group wore a shirt with a large grizzly bear on it, who proclaimed that he firmly believes being bearded is the best way to be natural and live life to the fullest.
The fifth part of the competition featured three men competing for the partial beard title. The emcee jokingly asked the first contestant if he had any experience on the Oregon trail, to which the man replied, “dysentery.”
The second man humbly said he joined the competition to make friends, while the third man, who was also the winner, walked on stage chanting his own name and then began dancing to Dropkick Murphys. When it was announced that he won, he picked up the emcee, grabbed the microphone and proclaimed:
“I finally fucking won! Impeach Scott Walker and make marijuana legal in the fucking state of Wisconsin!”
The final section of the Beard-Off was the freestyle category. The first contestant, Greg, sported spirals in his beard and ripped off his shirt on stage, boasting that he styled his beard for two hours and has been growing it for two years. Greg won, attributing a lot of credit to his girlfriend who gives him ideas and puts on the fine touches to his freestyle looks.
The second competitor, Dennis, had a beard made up of figure-eights who said he styled his beard like that every Friday. Dennis later said that this Beard-Off was the second time he had run into Greg.
“The first time, it was kind of like, who is this guy? Why is his beard so glorious?” Dennis said.
The third competitor took on a Jack Sparrow persona. The man wore a wig full of dreadlocks and a large full beard covering his entire face. When inquired about what he does for fun, Jack said, “Sailing the black sea, looking for oysters.”
Finally the ultimate bearded champion was to be chosen from the six remaining winners. The Beard-Off official champion Mike — the man with the beard who extended past his groin — was brought up on stage to receive his second plaque, a bundle of Beard-Off apparel and a bag of coffee beans.
In past events, the Madison Beard Wearers Union donated their proceeds from events like these to local charities including Porchlight. They anticipate their union to continue to grow from such large-scale events.
Krikovic’s personal goal for the club is to eventually establish a symbiotic relationship between microbrewing and bearding for years to come. As they seek this goal, it is needless to say shaving cream will be kept at a safe distance.
