Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

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Hump Day: Sex tips and toys to help you monster mash

Even sex columns get Halloween specials
Hump Day: Sex tips and toys to help you monster mash

Spooky seasons invite sexy movie nights featuring horror flicks. Sweethearts who watch scary movies together get their hearts and adrenaline pumping, sometimes leading to fantastically freaky sex.

In these films, the monsters rule: From creepy to crawly to cunning, each terrifies in its own unique fashion. We’ve compiled a list of sexy moves and toys based off these creepy creatures to get you in the mood this Halloween.

Whether you’re looking for a trick or a treat this Halloween, the following list of movie monsters as sexy moves and objects will bring thrills and chills.

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Godzilla

If vibrators lived in cities, the Hitachi Magic Wand would stomp all over them just as Godzilla does in the Japanese classic. Not only is the Hitachi Magic Wand large (and therefore not terribly subtle), but it’s also powerful: This vibrator features two intense settings. Hitachi Magic Wands come in both rechargeable and plug-in models. Rechargeable wands are more mobile, but plug-in vibrators never run out of charge. Of course, the original Magic Wand is quite pricey (and the rechargeable version even more so), but many close imitations exist for slightly cheaper prices.

Count Dracula

Sexual symbolism abounds in almost every depiction of Count Dracula. Even the most popular location for biting, the neck, resonates with sensuality. Recreate scenes from the classics using leather gloves or even false fangs. Themes common in “Dracula,” especially holding someone captive and using a stake (or a stake dildo), have immense potential for sexy role play. Biting can play almost any role in sexy time, from light nibbling to bites hard enough to leave faint teeth marks.

Cyclops

Size queens and kings searching for the one-eyed monster of their dreams should start saving up for the cyclops dildo: a massive veined specimen measuring 10.25 inches in length with a 3.25-inch girth. Resist the urge to jam this creature inside all at once. Instead, use lots of lube and patience, working up to the entirety of the toy over time. The cyclops dildo is heavy enough to sit solidly on a surface for solo or partnered filled-up fun.

Mummies

While it might not work so well for mummies, live humans occasionally benefit from removing the sense of sight during sexy time. Using a blindfold intensifies other sensations and amplifies pleasurable suspense. In addition, blindfolds are easily found all over the house in the form of ties, scarves and sleeping masks.

Pinhead

Pinhead’s creator Clive Barker took inspiration for the character’s appearance from punk fashion and S&M clubs, so it only fits to mention a particularly intimidating kinky activity: urethral sounding. Pinhead’s face is full of metal pins similar to those used for sounding, which involves inserting a slim metal rod into a penis to achieve stimulation of the urethral tissue, which is embryologically homologous to the labia minora. The entire structure has sensitive nerve endings and even connects to the prostate. Folks interested in urethral sounding should perform ample research because sounding has potential to cause bladder infections and other troubles.

Sulley (Monsters Inc.)

Not all monsters have to be scary. Sulley stands out among his peers at Monsters, Inc. partially due to his bright, shaggy coat of fur. Getting down and dirty on a shag carpet or another novel texture (silk sheets, granite countertops, hardwood floors, etc.) can change sensations completely — just watch out for rug burn. Remember that just like Sulley, sex can go from sweet to kinky and back again in a matter of minutes with ample consent, of course.

Frankenstein’s Monster

Dr. Frankenstein stitched his monster together using a fantastical mixture of alchemy and chemistry — lovers can easily do the same by creating a mashup of everyone’s fantasies or kinks. First, share creative desires, finding common ground and boundaries. Then, fashion a script of sorts, combining interests to create a scene or sexy session that works for everyone. For example, if one partner enjoys rope play and the other adores flogging, they might try a rope tie that leaves the arms and hands free for the flogger — such as the pentagram chest harness.

Basilisks

Meeting the gaze of a basilisk might turn witches and wizards to stone, but eye contact during sex has the power to make partners hard as a rock. Speaking of getting hard, Bad Dragon offers a basilisk cock sheath in two sizes. Cock sheaths add extra length and girth to a penis to provide more stimulation to a receptive partner. People with penises use cock sheaths for all sorts of reasons. Some because they have trouble maintaining erections and want to continue penetrating a partner or because they want to enhance their natural size to provide larger stimulation to a partner. Others because their partners enjoy the altered texture of cock sheaths. Unlike many other penis sleeves, the basilisk cock sheath has an opening at the top to allow for stimulation of the tip.

Audrey II (Little Shop of Horrors)

The ferocious, raunchy plant in “Little Shop of Horrors” feeds on human blood rather than sunshine but helping out the environment in the bedroom requires no bloodshed. Leaf+ offers four 100 percent silicone, eco-friendly vibrator models (life+, fresh+, vitality+ and bloom+) designed in aesthetically pleasing plant shapes. These toys are phalate-free and use rechargeable batteries, a better option for the environment than regular batteries. For the true tree hugger, try a solar powered vibrator — eight hours in the sun provides one hour of fun.

Werewolves

Howling into the moon every once in a while during particularly pleasurable moments reinforces our best moves in the bedroom. Wait until the roommates go out and let loose your inner wolf — chances are partners will then feel more comfortable being just as noisy. Feel free, however, to engage in fortissimo fornication whether or not the moon is full.

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