Hello, my sexy Badger brethren! If you’re an avid reader, you probably know that I am a huge advocate for porn as a sexual aid. But do you know what’s even better than sneakily rubbing one out to porn in your bedroom? Watching porn and erotica ranging in theme and genre—from centaur fetishists to Dungeons and Dragons orgies—with a group of strangers while completely clothed. This is exactly what my friend, my fiancé and I did this weekend, and I am here to give you a review of this fabulous event.

The HUMP! Film Festival has been held annually since 2005 in Portland, Oregon, and Seattle. Hosted by Dan Savage, writer of “Savage Love” and creator of the It Gets Better Project, HUMP! is a unique film festival dedicated to presenting amateur porn in a sex-positive and inclusive way. Each film entry is required to be five minutes or less and can feature any of the sexual variations in the rainbow. The festival has three rules: 1) No cellphones, to preserve anonymity (the actors are porn stars for the weekend, not for life). 2) Be respectful and don’t insult anyone’s sexual preferences or body type, etc. 3) Have fun!

This year marks the beginning of the HUMP! Tour, which takes 15 of the best videos from previous years and brings them to people across the United States. Luckily for us here in Madison, the Majestic got to host this revolutionary event for four shows over two nights this past weekend, and it was marvelous! Everyone in the packed venue moved and chattered restlessly, waiting for the smut fest to begin and unsure of what to expect. After a brief recording of Savage reading the rules, the show began.

HUMP! opened with “Rumpy Pumpy,” a cute animation of disembodied penises, vaginas, anuses and mouths getting it on in every way possible. It set the tone for the rest of the night. During that short clip, we all learned that it was OK to relax and laugh at this humorous representation of sexuality. Everything just got better from there.

For the next hour and a half, we were taken on a journey through many kinks, sexual acts and sexual orientations. We laughed through a film showing a steamy Dungeons and Dragons orgy, with females screwing females, males screwing females and females pegging males. Videos featured straight lovers and straight strangers making love next to videos of straight people playing with fire and flash paper. Gay men starred in many of the films, ranging from the cliché pizza delivery boy fantasy to a hot bar hook-up. Kinks ranging from the power play of edging and self-declared “painsluts” to watersports were represented in an honest way that was admirable, even if such things did not necessarily float your boat. Animated films stole the show, including a rather disturbing parody of “E.T.” featuring Elliot and everyone’s favorite alien. Another animation showed a dolphin fantasizing about unicorns. (Seriously, that wasn’t a euphemism.) One inventive film even showed a time-travelling man literally fucking himself to save the world.

So which ones were my favorites? There was an especially well-made video of a man masturbating with toys (donated by Babeland!), that was really hot regardless of the viewer’s sexual orientation or gender. “Mythical Proportions” wins for the most humorous video, starring three women with centaur fetishes and some hideous puppets. (Yes, that is a real thing, and in my opinion the most tragic of sexual desires, since centaurs do not exist.) Luckily, that video has since been released online and you can relive this amazing video over and over again here. Furthermore, a fantastic film used stop motion and added sound effects to create what may be the most unique pornographic film ever. Finally, I have to give a shoutout to the film “Krutch,” which featured a disabled woman masturbating and proved to the world that people with disabilities are perfectly capable of having satisfying sex lives.

So, you’re probably thinking this would be the most awkward experience ever, right? Wrong! In fact, I’d say that attending this event is one of the most positive experiences someone can engage in and that you’ll leave feeling a greater respect for the world of human sexuality (and possibly turned on). Getting to see films one would not generally click on when searching for something to jerk off to really opens your mind to the amazing variety that exists underneath the umbrella of sexuality. For someone with an open mind, this will be an enriching experience and possibly expand how you define your own sexuality. For instance, if you’re a straight man, don’t shy away from videos featuring men playing with anal toys even if they are under the category of “gay sex.” Regardless of your orientation, your prostate is an erogenous zone that is well-worth exploring, and such videos may be the push you need to explore your curiosities. Same goes with the videos featuring kinks: If you enjoyed seeing them, perhaps you should try researching further and perhaps introducing such things into your own sex life.

Now, I need to call out one incredibly offensive and intoxicated person from my viewing, in hopes she will see this and change her ways. You spent the better half of my viewing being vocal about your distaste for the actions in some films, obviously shattering rule number two repeatedly. I first must apologize to you, as you appeared to be under the impression that all sex occurs between two straight people in the missionary position with the lights off, and that is quite sad. You did not need to be into everything shown, or even agree with it, but you were required to be respectful of those around you who may be into such things. Just because you would never want to be slapped during sex does not mean you have the right to scream about how no one should enjoy being slapped during sex. I assure you that I was not the only one offended and if you could not contain yourself, you should have left rather than ruin the experience for all of us. I hope that in the future you open your mind and consider that not everyone fucks the way you do and that is OK.

So Badgers, my final word on the HUMP! Tour and Festival is that if you have a chance to see this and spend the time in the company of other sex-positive individuals, take it. I think this event is an important step toward a society that celebrates sexual expression rather than shames it. My final recommendation is that when you are surfing porn, try clicking on something you normally wouldn’t. You may be surprised by what you learn about yourself.

Have a safe spring break, and stay sexy!

We're hiring! Check out our jobs page. Applications due April 27th. badgerherald.com/about/get-involved/hiring.