A wise man once said, “We’ve got dates with two of the rarest roses!”
It happened on “Jersey Shore,” as do most quotable TV moments these days, and it was brought to us by the smooth-talking, questionably coiffed DJ Pauly D, who’s nice-guy charm always seems to land him the girl.
You have no idea how tempted I was to write this week’s column on the sexual dynamics of the “Jersey Shore” cast, but their strangely relatable antics led me to some fascinating hypotheticals:
What if we could date our favorite TV characters? If they were to give us love advice, what would they say? And what can we learn from their on-screen tries at romance?
The answer? Probably a lot, as long as we take it at face value. According to some bullshit theory I’ve learned in five separate classes, we humans have a knack for incorporating what we see on TV into our worldview. In short, we should be careful about what we absorb from on-screen dating, but if we’re selective, perceptive and some other semi-pretentious “-ive” word, we can use TV to gather valuable insights about our own sexual styles.
Something to keep in mind: Whether fiction or “reality” (call me an idealist, but I choose to believe Sammi and JWoww’s fight was 100 percent authentic), these characters are exactly that. Their prototypical approaches to love and sex aren’t meant to generalize all men or women, but they do exhibit certain traits we’re drawn to, repulsed by and even possess ourselves.
With that, I give you my comprehensive guide to small-screen romantic styles:
Ted Mosby (“How I Met Your Mother”): When you think about it, Mosby’s like an adult version of Cory Matthews, but more pompous and worse at being in a functional relationship. He searches obsessively for his future spouse and tailors his personality to whoever is currently “the one.” But while most “HIMYM” fans shudder at Mosby’s so-called “douche-iness,” I’ve always admired his dedication to finding true love in its sappiest sense.
Ted’s Hypothetical Dating Advice: Tell that special someone “I think I’m in love with you” on the first date, and if you freak her out (you will), bring her a symbolic, preferably stolen token of your affection as a way of saying, “I’m not really a psychopath, I just care a lot.”
Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino (“Jersey Shore”): While he might not be sweet like Pauly or well endowed like Vinny (call me!), The Situation exudes a rare form of “game” few of us truly understand and fewer of us would dare to imitate.
The Positives: The guy knows what he wants, and in a way, he’s actually pretty goal oriented. If you prefer sealing the deal with some serious sleaze, he’s probably your role model, and if you’re the type of person who responds well to hyper-aggressiveness, you’re most likely DTS.
The Not-So Positives: Mr. Sorrentino’s style is definitively high-risk/high-reward. When it works, he gets exactly what he wants, but when it fails, he usually ends up a.) really embarrassed, and b.) emotionally scarring some poor girl for the rest of her adult life.
The bottom line: If aggressiveness turns you on, Sitch’s style could be right for you. He’s also the most extreme example imaginable, and while you might be attracted to his approach, you may want to look for a more mainstream, less greasy alternative.
Patti Stanger (The Millionaire Matchmaker): Since Stanger spends most of her time dishing out love advice, it comes as no surprise that this “third-generation matchmaker with an incredibly high success rate” knows what makes a successful romance. Stanger defines the strong-woman ideal, focusing on traditional get-to-know-you tips like no sex before monogamy and a two-drink minimum on first dates.
Conclusion: If you’re a selfless person who welcomes extreme neuroticism and bluntness, Stanger’s type could compliment you perfectly.
Don Draper (Mad Men): If you’re into an old-fashioned man of few words with a mysterious past and underemphasized drinking habit, Don’s the guy for you. Scratch that – he’s the guy for everyone. We all want him, wish we could be him or both. We’ve watched him woo clients with his creative brilliance, inhale a celebratory martini and spend his lunch hour banging Mistress number four in a SoHo loft, only to repeat the process before bedtime. If that’s not sexy (adultery aside), I honestly don’t know what is.
So there you have it, a motley crew of on-screen dating styles. While it seems beyond random, these characters complete one another in a strange way. Picture all four at a bar together: The Situation’s trying to swoop Don Draper’s chick while Patti scolds Ted in a corner for everything he’s done wrong. Kind of perfect, right?
Exaggerated as their personalities may be, each character offers a certain degree of humanity we can all relate to. The next time you’re looking to meet someone new, observe your tactics – you might be surprised what you’ve picked up from the media. And if nothing else, please promise me you won’t take cues from that cheating Chilean miner with like 17 admitted mistresses – sorry to say, some TV personalities should just never be emulated.
A thousand thanks to a good friend who saved my ass with some brilliant, last minute inspiration. I can always count on you to re-work my image from the ground up, even if you did de-activate your Facebook. Rachel Dickens is a senior majoring in journalism and communication arts. Questions? Comments? E-mail [email protected].
