All right, what I’m about to say might sound harsh and completely invalid, but I promise there’s some method to my madness. Over the past decade, my libido and sexual knowledge have both been entirely on the upswing. The combination of these factors, along with my college student tendency to jump at the first sign of convenience, has led me to the following observation — Walgreens sucks.
While it undoubtedly fills the majority of our daily needs — for toilet paper, solo cups, etc. — Walgreens is seriously lacking in the sexual health department. And why the hell shouldn’t it be? The store sells jumbo-sized beef jerky, for God’s sake. Sure, it’s got your standard array of Trojans and KY, but when it comes to great sex, buying lube from a convenience store seems comparable to getting your prom dress from Costco.
A wise individual once said, “Every cloud has a silver lining.” — actually that was probably Hallmark or maybe the Bible. I suggest applying this metaphor to the following: Walgreens — the cloud — might be a total waste of space for anyone looking to have mind-blowing sex, but thankfully Madison boasts one of the best sexuality boutiques in the Midwest — the most unbelievable silver lining you’ll ever see.
A Woman’s Touch, located on the ever-busting Willy Street, just a few blocks east of Capitol Square, is a real-life utopia of erotic supplies: literature, toys, contraceptives and so much more. Owned by a physician and a professional sex educator, A Woman’s Touch is centered around two very important types of people — those looking to fuck outside the box and those curious as to what makes sex so ridiculously cool. Needless to say, I’m obsessed with this place.
Despite its name, the shop does an amazing job of accommodating all sexual orientations and gender identities, not to mention the desires and concerns that come along with them. While perusing the store’s countless shelves and corners, it has become clear to me that this place is more diverse than an episode of “Reading Rainbow.” With an inventory ranging anywhere from plus-size lingerie to floor-to-ceiling S&M displays, A Woman’s Touch has something for absolutely everyone. I mean it. After spending my fair share of time there, I can say with complete confidence that if Jenna Jameson, the Dalai Lama and my 73-year-old grandmother went together on some sort of bizarre group outing, they would all leave feeling ecstatic about their respective purchases.
To put it simply, this store is massive but in a really weird way. The space itself isn’t anything spectacular, but the number of products and services offered exceed the store’s physical boundaries to an unbelievable degree. After sampling every type of lube in the store, touching about 50,000 display condoms and reading every piece of literature pasted to the shelves, I decided to compile a list of my favorite products. Ranging from tantalizing to outright hilarious, the store’s inventory was nothing short of glorious. Here are some of the highlights:
1. A “build-your-own vibrator” section: When I saw this shelf, placed conveniently beside a gaping wall of dildos, I almost peed my pants. There’s an actual station where you can customize a vibrator. Okay, that’s insanely cool. What’s next, build your own labia? Here’s how it works. You get to pick from a bunch of different controllers, all with varying speeds and rhythms. Next, you can choose which shape and size you want for the actual vibrator. Then, you add any type of “sleeve” you want, which is essentially like texturizing the vibrator with studs, contouring, etc. I spent probably 30 minutes alone staring at this section of the store, testing out every combination possible — on my hand, not my vagina, shockingly. One word: genius.
2. “Intercourses: An Aphrodisiac Cookbook”: There’s something you should probably know about me. I really like food. By the same token, I can eat more than five pro-football players and pre-Subway Jared Fogle combined, and unless you’re illiterate, you’ve probably noticed that I live and breathe all things sexual. All that being said, this book caught my eye right away. The recipes included are gastronomically — that’s food science, for all you out there — designed to invoke sensuality with every bite. Meaning, eating these meals will make you really, really want to have sex. That’s pretty awesome.
P.S.: My favorite recipe was something called “Black Russian Cake.” It was highly rich and probably had enough calories to send my boobs back to the way they were before I had reductive surgery. Enough said.
3. Smart Balls: These were little, connected spheres that looked like a 3-D version of those goggles people wear in tanning beds. Their purpose? To be worn around while you’re doing daily activities — the box mentioned dancing, doing chores and attending work. One small detail: They’re meant to be worn inside the vagina. Clearly, this would feel incredible, but virtually impossible to maintain in a public setting. If I wore my Smart Balls while dancing like the packaging suggests, I would look like I was having a violent seizure.
I will honestly give a trophy to anyone with enough will power to sustain this intriguing, albeit slightly intimidating, product through a normal day.
Other notable products included a coloring book with 50 pictures of vaginas, an entire section of Spanish products for all you Latin lovers out there, a pamphlet titled “Still Juicy!” for menopausal women and a scented candle called “fairy dust and twinkle toes.”
Needless to say, my trip to A Woman’s Touch proved an eye-opening experience. The staff was knowledgeable, friendly and generous, meaning they gave me free chocolate. The products were also incredibly affordable — ultra-thin condoms, for example, were half the cost of those sold at Walgreens. Their products are high quality and often humorous. But most importantly, the store’s ambiance radiates a positive sexual outlook that manages to be both practical and welcoming to all customers, regardless of familiarity.
Bottom line: I highly, highly recommend checking out A Woman’s Touch. Whether you’re single, attached or somewhere in between, you’re bound to find something amazing.
This article was written by Rachel Dickens. Rachel is a junior majoring in communication arts. Comments? Questions? E-mail: [email protected].
